preview: episode 04, “memory lane”

okay, so katherine and elena are finally going to meet and hang out. all right then. that should be…terrible. it’s a little hard to tell exactly what terrible things are going to happen, but judging from the random flashes of period clothing and a lot of running, my guess is that it’s going to be pretty bad. but damon, apparently, still not giving up on winning elena! so that should be fun! and by fun i mean painful.

      “so this is where you spend your time when you’re not stabbing people in the back…” (damon)

…mm…my guess is silver is not going to help this situation at all, is it?

and the daily damon:

      “i’m hoping this peach cobbler will pave the way.” (damon)

oh damon. peach cobbler will pave your way to many a destination. trust me.

bad commentary rising on episode 03

you know how this episode begins, my friends? it's as if the producers are already tired of my complaints from the first two episodes because the first person to walk on screen is none other than: alaric! alaric, alaric, alaric! (yay chanting)!

      “can i get you something to drink? coffee? bourbon? bourbon and coffee?” (damon)

turns out the mystery person sitting on the sofa in the salvatore house during the preview is alaric after all. and they are so totally asking him questions about the lockwoods. (cue glimpse of tyler about to skulk after his uncle in a very not covert way. i believe we’ve mentioned several times so far this season that he plays multiple varsity sports and is therefore not that easy to conceal… so one hopes the next fifteen minutes goes well for him). alaric, understandably, is like, “kids…i don’t know anything about this, and frankly, i'm a little tired of all of you and your teen vampire angst.” (i am paraphrasing, of course).

      “you wouldn’t. but your dead, not dead, vampire wife might.” (damon)

of course, the logical answer, which damon has already scoffed at repeatedly, is that they are werewolves. which, let’s face it, we teevee viewers already know. this is not a subtle show.

      “no way. impossible. way too lon chaney. i’ve been on this planet a hundred and sixty some-odd years and never come across one. if werewolves exist, where the hell are they?” (damon)

a fair question, damon. at this moment, it appears that they are checking out the super secret werewolf cave. well isn’t that convenient! it's good to know that tyler won’t have to follow his uncle on any more annoying runs.

      “if this wolfman thing is true, i’ve seen enough movies to know it’s not good.” (damon)

while that is, indeed, true, how can it possibly be THAT BAD if all this time no one in mystic falls has known that werewolves exist? it’s not like the council’s mission is to kill vampires AND werewolves. no. just vampires. so my guess is that werewolves have been living there peaceably for a long time. why does the shit have to go and get stirred up now? (besides to propel the plot)?

this does not occur to the scooby doo gang though. and if this were the scooby doo gang, let me just point out that alaric would be shaggy because holy cow his hair has gotten huge! so the gang is going to go check out isobel’s old office and dig through her research to see what they can learn, in typical animated mystery-solving cartoon style. only stefan is not going to go. whaaaaa? he has to babysit caroline. sad face. sad face like a matt face. actually…matt face is the new sad face.



anyway, just ole damon, alaric and elena off together on a road trip. surely nothing can go wrong. but before they go, jenna and alaric have to have a weird and unnecessary moment in which the teevee viewer is not sure whether to look away and let them have some privacy, like maybe any second they are just going to start making out. not that i would be opposed to that.

speaking of being uncomfortable…elena makes out with stefan in front of damon just to dig it in a little deeper that he is so totally not forgiven for killing her brother. (fair).

      “you know, this whole pretending to hate me thing is getting a little silly.” (damon)
      “i don’t think she’s pretending. you did kill her brother.” (alaric)
      “there is a huge asterisk next to that statement. he came back to life.” (damon)

while the gang (or most of them) drive off, at the lockwoods, we learn that tyler is going to invite a bunch of people to the old swim hole. but of course! ye olde swim hole, located conveniently near the ruins of ye olde lockwood estate where the super secret werewolf cave is. man, the forests of mystic falls are just littered with the ruins of old estates and supernatural shit, aren’t they? again, what could possibly go wrong with this plan?

and in case we begin to think that stefan has somehow gotten off easy today, he has his hands full with the bonnie and caroline -- first convincing bonnie to make caroline a day walking ring, and then getting caroline to not be herself as much as possible. bonnie, of course, insists on taking her whoredom to a whole new level, basically refusing to help caroline because she’s a vampire and bonnie’s all anti-vampire these days. but seriously? it’s CAROLINE. you know: bonnie’s bestie. the one she got even more bestie with when she was mad at elena for dating a vampire. yeah, that one. needless to say that stefan eventually convinces her to stop being such a whore and just use a little magic already, but jesus, that should not have been so difficult. and speaking of difficult…oh, caroline…

      “so i don’t get to choose the ring i have to wear the rest of my life?” (caroline)
      “hey, if you don’t want it…” (bonnie)
      “no, no, she wants it.” (stefan)

over in north carolina, alaric, damon and elena make it to isobel’s research office, which is pretty much what i think indiana jones’ office looks like: full of old treasures, shrunken heads, stuff like that. only wouldn’t you know it, the slutty research assistant (vanessa) is some kind of, i don’t know, guardian or something, and comes in with a crossbow to try to kill everyone. and if damon hadn’t stepped in front of elena to take a stake to the back for her, let’s just say we’d be down one more human in the cast right now and stefan would be having a matt face.

alas though, vanessa is not that cool after all, she’s just confused and trigger happy and thought that katherine pierce and damon were come back from the dead or…something. i don’t know. she’s annoying and it doesn’t really matter. elena pulls the stake out of damon and needless to say he is pretty pissed about the whole thing.

      “that bitch is dead.” (damon)

but elena convinces damon rather easily not to kill the poor slut since she might be useful in helping them find what it is they’re looking for.

      “and this is damon salvatore, who you just shot.” (elena)
      “i’d be EXTRA nice to me right now.” (damon)

off on their own little adventure, stefan tries to teach caroline how to hunt wildlife instead of humans. one can only imagine how well that goes. and whatever you imagine is probably pretty close to what actually happens.

      “so what do i do when i see the rabbit?” (caroline)

      “isn’t killing cute, defenseless animals the first step in becoming a serial killer?” (caroline)
      “well, you sort of skipped serial killer and went straight to vampire.” (stefan)

      “and now YOU want me to eat bunnies, and i’m kinda freaking out, OKAY?!” (caroline)

that’s right. caroline. freaking out. not at all unexpected. you have to cut stefan some slack for laughing about it, and then when caroline complains that now he’s just using her for amusement, he tries to impart some more yoda-vampire wisdom on her, explaining that human characteristics not only stay with them as vampires, but are often magnified. so he, for example, was sensitive to other people’s feelings and easily felt guilty when he believed himself to be part of their pain or discomfort. this is partly why he has forsaken so much of the typical vampire lifestyle.

      “so you’re saying that now i’m basically an insecure, neurotic control freak…on crack.” (caroline)
      “well…i wouldn’t say it…like that…” (Stefan)

meanwhile, the search for answers at duke continues, and elena does her elena thing and adds to her collection of whore friends by being nice to the research assistant and giving her some vervain, no doubt concerned that damon is not going to remain peaceable for long.

      “does vervain really work?” (vanessa to elena)
      “nope. not at all.” (damon, across the room)
      “can he hear us?” (vanessa)
      “noooo…that would be creepy…” (damon in a stage whisper)

and lest you forgot about the swim hole! let's go check out what’s going on there. oh, stefan and caroline have showed up. (that’s not at all trouble waiting to happen). oh, and uncle mason, too! two vampires is a crowd, but add a werewolf and you’ve got a party!

      “why are you looking at him with your serious vampire look?” (caroline)
      “my what? my serious vampire look?” (stefan)
      “mmhm. i mean, it’s different from your worried vampire look. neither of which stray far from your ‘hey, it’s tuesday’ look.” (caroline)

so. the swim hole. uncle mason is all “make sure everyone’s gone by dark.” not suspicious at all. caroline acts all jealous of some high school whore flirting with matt. standard. caroline compels said whore to bugger off, which, you know, is probably not a very good idea. she's going to get very tired very quickly if she plans to do that to EVERY whore that comes along. matt with his matt face. stefan with his stefan face. end scene at the swim hole.

back at the university, we basically get told a whole bunch of stuff we already know. vampires cursed by the sun. werewolves cursed by the moon. they hate each other. mortal enemies. vampires killed off lots of werewolves, but there are still some left. nothing new here at all, but a nice refresher for those having difficulty following along, i guess.

what we don’t find out about is how tyler fits into anything. uncle mason seems rather unconcerned that his nephew is going to turn into a werewolf and go on a rampage anytime soon. so is it an aging thing? (on the first night of the full moon after your twentieth year…imagine that narrated in a deep voice). or is it more a one-werewolf-in-the-family-at-a-time thing?

regardless, elena has the foresight to call stefan and let him know what they’ve learned, even if it IS negligible, the most important part being that apparently a werewolf bite is fatal to vampires. which i'm sure just warms stefan’s soul because as if he didn’t have enough to worry about regarding caroline, now he has to make sure she doesn’t get killed. and i don’t know if anyone else at ye olde swim hole is paying attention, but stefan sure is acting weird around caroline. my guess is relationship hijinks are about to ensue…

fast forward five or six or nine hours later and it’s all dark and full moony and uncle mason is cutting it pretty close getting to the super secret werewolf cave. it sure does require a whole lot of gear to become a werewolf too. and what the heck does he put in his nalgene? tranquilizer? or dietary supplements? steroids? and whatever it is, is it for humans or dogs? I’M JUST CURIOUS.

and as if this situation wasn’t intense enough, tyler, in his infinite bro wisdom, decides that the super secret werewolf cave would be the bestest place ever to hook up with the whore who was flirting with matt earlier. oh, i'm sorry. did i say bestest? i meant worstest. so now uncle mason is running through the woods, draped in chains and wires like some cracked out jacob marley from a christmas carol. this is obviously not going to end well.



and lo! it doesn’t! because uncle mason is nowhere near securely restrained when he starts morphing and holy goodness does turning into a werewolf look super painful. maybe it was painkillers in the nalgene…?

this is where the producers try to distract us for a second with yet another sesame street lesson between elena and damon, which, let’s face it, is getting a little old. meanwhile, amy (the whore tyler is making out with) comes to her sense and is like, “i totally don’t want to be doing this, i don’t even like you!” tyler responds with a very understated “wow” and then we return to the business at hand, a.k.a. crazy werewolf on the loose. omfgwtfbbq!!!

so stefan (jesus christ, this kid, i tell ya) decides to head straight for the werewolf noises. then the camera angle gets all horror movie on him and all i can wonder is why uncle mason didn’t lock himself into something sturdier…? than,you know, his old jeep, which now has a busted back window…?

you would also think that if vampires had hunted werewolves almost to extinction that they would have some sort of instinct that would let them know when one was near, as well as how to kill or elude one. clearly werewolves have some innate sense of who is and is not a vampire if vampires are their prey of choice, right? (although…presumably they kill people too?) anyway, you would think this, but you would be wrong. at least on this show.


back at duke, the gang is packin’ it in. (in this analogy, does this make stefan velma?) vanessa el whore tries to make a pass at alaric and he’s all “thanks but no thanks,” passing it off as not wanting her to get involved in all the craziness. which. you know. fair point. as elena goes to get in the monster suv that apparently belongs to alaric, damon continues to needle her about maybe knowing something, and then gives her a book with the name “petrova” on it. why? well isn’t it obvious, teevee viewer?! turns out katherine’s real name was katerina petrova because why not? there’s not enough crazytown going on anyway. let's just go ahead and throw on another layer of mystery for kicks.

      “men snoop too, you know.” (damon)

      “let me know what you find. I’m very curious myself.” (damon)

elena thanks damon for the book, but we are left in ambiguity as to whether or not this means that she’s going to forgive him. and we’re not left with much time to wonder because back in the woods, matt and caroline are making out when matt goes and gashes open all his major arteries on a tree branch. nothing could make more sense at this point in the episode. and of course caroline has to act all WEIRD and VAMPIREY as matt’s all, “wait, what are you doing?”

AS IF HE DIDN'T KNOW.

and then the shit hits the fan. or the werewolf hits the vampire. whatever. but don’t worry, tyler shouts “no!” and uncle mason manages to scamper away while everyone else hangs around confused. man, i can’t wait to see how we explain all this away

oh, and another piece of werewolf information confirmed: werewolves don’t wear pants, guys.



so now tyler knows his uncle’s a werewolf. although how did uncle mason get so dirty? i understand a little dirty, running around in the forest, but he’s filthy -- covered head to toe. and do you think this is how all the lockwoods found out they were werewolves? or did the rest of them get to find out over, like, a glass of scotch in the library? because i'm thinking the latter…

moving right along, i'm going to cut to the chase which is that caroline breaks up with matt for his own good. I KNOW. they just said i-love-you, but the producers have no thoughts as to our feelings in the matter. the only thing worse than matt and caroline’s relationship is going to be their break-up, which will no doubt be annoying times a gagillion. [insert matt face].

then, elena is really mean to damon and gets him to admit that he did not see jeremy wearing the ring before he broke his neck and killed him. elena proceeds to tell him that they will never be friends again, and damon points out that she tricked him into admitting about jeremy already knowing that no matter what he said she was not going to forgive him. i did not expect this otherwise ridiculous episode to make me cry, but i kind of did at this part. damon looks just…defeated.

and this is really a very “katherine" move on elena’s part. more in common than meets the eye after all…?

the good news is that ric and jenna are back together. woop! and totally make out all over. yeaaaaaaaaaah.

but before you get too yay, back in caroline’s room, katherine shows up and is like, “were gonna have so much fun!” ugh. no we’re not, whore.

[SIDENOTE: we forgot to clear up how katherine can walk in the daylight if her original day walking jewelry, a.k.a. the amber necklace, was used to seal the tomb with the vampires and then recovered by damon. i guess it’s safe to presume she got another piece of jewelry, but…from who?]

ALARIC!

internet! i am so excited i've become overly shouty! and exclamation marky!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rumor has it that episode 03, "bad moon rising," will feature our old friend alaric, returned at last to our (my) longing hearts! aren't you excited?



of course, i have a million questions. like where has he been? how is he gonna feel about caroline being a vampire? is he still the history teacher? are he and jenna still going to sometimes-occasionally-maybe make out and/or date? are he and damon still cool? and let's not forget that he and jeremy are now ring twins! (again. with the overly shoutiness. i apologize. it's just that it's ALARIC, people).

why do i love alaric so much?

you know, it's really hard to say. he grew on me so gradually that i barely noticed it. you have to admit though, he is another incredibly attractive cast member. he gets great lines, delivers them with aplomb, and is an all-around great plot device.

just please don't tell me that this means isobel is also returning. because i could not handle that right now.

well -- soon we shall find out!

preview: episode 03, "bad moon rising"

all right. who named this episode? really?

and as for tyler's question about what happens after dark, apparently uncle mason chains himself to some rocks in a cave! and then kills caroline! (yeah right, we couldn't be so lucky)...

what i really want to know is who they're talking to on the couch. who is this expert on the supernatural? where did they scrounge up him/her? is it maybe ALARIC?! oh please, oh please! (i should probably just give up hope on that, shouldn't i)?

and for your daily damon:

      "i've been on this planet for 161 years and i've never come across one. if werewolves exist, where the hell are they?" (damon)

episode 02 -- in which everyone gets to say clever things

not to get all philosophical on you, but do you think caroline is the most annoying vampire ever? or do you think that, at some point, there was one more annoying than her? one that was killed immediately by the other vampires because they were all like, "HOLY HELL THAT VAMP IS WICKED ANNOYING." and this is only going to get worse, right? it's all downhill from here, what, with caroline's natural neuroses, plus vampiredom out-of-controlness...we're screwed.

so the episode opens with caroline being all zany in the hospital and dramatically having her first taste of human blood. (from a blood bag, people, not an actual human. they wait til after the commercial break for that -- this is a classy show). then we're taken to yet another mystic falls (high school) carnival. i'm not even joking. they didn't put any effort into this one. there's no theme whatsoever, just the high school administration once again letting their student body run amok. ever since tanner was killed and alaric vanished, i'm not convinced anyone actually goes to class at all. high school is just a ruse for all the extracurricular activities.

while setting up the carnival, bonnie and elena chat about the usual: damon. and all things related to him, whether knowingly or unknowingly because, oh yeah! they don't know caroline's a vampire yet...

      "have you talked to damon since he killed jeremy?" (bonnie)

      "i'm human. and i have to do human stuff otherwise i'm gonna go crazy." (elena)

      "we have to make caroline proud. or she will kill us. i don't know how she does this all the time." (bonnie)
      "well, because she's not human. obviously." (elena)
      "obviously." (bonnie)

meanwhile, jeremy is having a heart-to-heart with his new favorite salvatore brother, and stefan is totally giving away the goods on how to kill a vampire, from vervain to wood stakes to WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? the good news though is that they are totally spreading around the good lines. no longer dominated by damon, stefan and even jeremy are getting their own zingers, and I find it -- quite frankly -- amazing.

      "i was killed by a vampire and brought back by a magic ring. how do you move forward from that?" (jeremy)

      "right, well, today we have a nice little distraction courtesy of slave-driver elena. hello, elena!" (stefan)

      "yeah, yeah, i set up the goldfish toss, all three hundred goldfish, it's gonna be epic." (jeremy)

speaking of damon, or like damon...whatever...where is our little dark prince? where else? drinking tea with carol lockwood! and probably wanting to killing himself. (too bad he's already undead). now get this...seriously, you are not going to believe this...carol is acting mayor and puts DAMON in charge of the COUNCIL. yes. of alllllll the people on the council, carol has chosen the ONLY VAMPIRE to head up their vampire-killing mission. this is so many shades of bananas, i don't even know where to start. i might even go so far as to say that this is the most ridiculous think that has ever happened on this show. more ridiculous than damon turning vicki into a vampire, more ridiculous than uncle john being elena's father, and yes, more ridiculous than aunt jenna being deaf as a doornail.

while damon is innerly gloating at his apparent victory, he listens to tyler and uncle mason return from a run and proceed to chat in the hallway. again with the more spreading around of great lines:

      "i think grandma lockwood actually passed you. in her walker." (mason)

while eavesdropping on tyler's bro-bonding with his uncle, damon obviously becomes suspicious. i mean, there's no way to make what they're saying seem like a normal conversation. not even in the slightest. uncle mason even asks, "is there a pattern? once a month? only at night?" it's so obvious that he's a werewolf it's not even funny. the only thing that could have possibly made the whole thing LESS subtle would have been if mason had grown fur and fangs right there in the front hall. instead, he and tyler take off their shoes because mud + mrs. lockwood = instant death. and even werewolves are not immune to death by mrs. lockwood.

back in the hospital, caroline is continuing her transition from sweet valley high to twilight. my guess is that in twilight though, it would be like jessica becoming a vampire... ANYWAY. end tangent. begin important questioning: how is caroline going to go out in the daylight now? i mean, i know i was just talking about how their whole "being in high school" thing is a pretty elaborate hoax, but my guess is the sheriff is still going to expect her to get up and get on the school bus or whatever, right? caroline is also concerned about this and basically freaks out on matt after he tells her that she's cute.

      "the carnival is going to happen without you, caroline. i know it's hard for your neurotic, control-freak personality to process, but bonnie and elena have it." (matt)
      "i'm not neurotic." (caroline)
      "yeah. you are. but it's cute. so." (matt)

he does it super cutely, too. poor matt. talk about a kid who just cannot catch a break. for goodness sake, his arm is still in a cast from when isobel went all vampire vengeance on him. and now he's dating a vampire. i can't wait for them to have "that" conversation...

at the salvatore residence, we get a taste of the damon quips from the preview:

      "aren't you worried one day allllll the forest animals are going to band together and fight back? i mean, surely they talk." (damon)

      "i have more important things to do. like explode." (damon)

in addition to damon revealing his new suspicions:

      "i think the lockwoods have a family secret." (damon)

(lots of quoting from this episode, i know, but there were just so many good ones. that and i'm still recovering from a whole summer without this weekly does of cleverness). so while damon and stefan "talk" back and forth, sort of arguing without actually arguing, it becomes obvious that there is going to be absolutely no katherine in this episode, but she's still kind of hanging over everything like the sword of damocles. it's so nerve-wracking. they do decide though that damon = lockwood mystery and stefan = katherine mystery. so at least we have a division of labor going on.



back at the hospital, one can't help but wonder why caroline's teeth come in so late -- fully halfway through the episode, i'm not even joking. her transition also appears to be way more painful than anyone else's that we've seen previously. vicki was so calm compared to this! not to mention caroline is the NOISIEST eater in the world. when she digs into that nurse, i was just waiting for half the hospital staff to come running thinking that a rhinoceros had somehow broken into the building, but apparently they're all deaf and/or imaginary, just like everyone else on this show.

in the lockwood house, mason is poking around, clearly looking for something. strangely, he apparently doesn't know where his brother's secret lair is. and when tyler comes upon him being all snoopy, he tries to play it cool, claiming to be looking for an heirloom of little monetary value. what, like a gilbert invention 2.0? uncle mason also casually mentions that he blew through his trust fund when he was 22? how old is he supposed to be? because he still looks 22.

the lockwood men are of course going to the carnival, where the rest of the thirteen people of mystic falls are already partaking of rides and games and team jacob tees (which they apparently ran out of). and since everyone is there, that means damon, too. and jeremy. so of course they have to interact. on the one hand you're like, "why is damon there? this cannot possibly be entertaining for him." and on the other you're like, "really, jeremy? why are you always egging on the evil vampire brother?

      "jeremy! it's so good to see you alive!" (damon)
      "aren't you a little old for a high school carnival?" (jeremy)
      "i'm 150 years too old." (damon)

because he totally pisses damon off and damon never turns down an opportunity to be pissed off, so he rips off jeremy's ring and very comically throws it back at his forehead, where it bounces off in a cartoonish fashion. end fight scene.

even caroline is on her way to the carnival, but not before apologizing to the nurse for sucking her blood. so typically caroline. but still no update on how she's going to deal with the next sunrise, even if she is back in her own house at the end of the night. i guess we can presume it's a friday or something, so maybe she has a day or two to figure it out, but...i am not confident in this lack-of-plan at all.

one of the main attractions of the carnival is apparently the arm-wrestling booth though, where tyler is reigning champion until his uncle mason totally kicks his butt. then damon, who had previously been all stalkerish and lurky, volunteers stefan to arm wrestle uncle mason. this is hilarious. for so many reasons. stefan obviously loses, not wanting to draw attention to himself (duh), but when damon accuses him of having not tried at all, stefan admits that he did and that mason was strong, but in a human way, not a vampire way. he is clearly not taking damon's new obsession nearly as seriously as damon is.

      "what is up with that family? they're not vampires, what the hell are they?" (damon)
      "oh, maybe they're, uh, ninja turtles." (stefan)
      "you're not funny." (damon)
      "or no, zombies. werewolves?" (stefan)
      "no comedic timing. at all" (damon)

      "since this is reality and there's no such thing as werewolves or...combat turtles..." (damon)
      "but it's ninja turtle..." (stefan)



what i want to know is why damon finds the idea of werewolves existing so impossible. HE'S A VAMPIRE. bonnie's a witch! caroline's a unicorn! there's no end to insanity in mystic falls, why not werewolves too? although, it is obviously a little strange that the lockwoods have been werewolves all this time (since 1864?) and no one has known or apparently even had an inkling of it, including future werewolves like tyler.

so now some poor guy has to fight tyler.

wait, what? yup. the cute carnie who hit on bonnie is compelled by damon to fight tyler, just to see what happens, hopefully that something being that uncle mason steps in and reveals himself to be...something? something other than a werewolf?

      "maybe it's the ambiguously supernatural, mystery uncle." (damon)

after rolling his eyes at stefan's disapproving grunts, damon wanders off and has an "encounter," shall we say, with caroline. why that crazy girl picks a fight with damon, i have no idea. sure, he's a jerk. sure he fed on her and erased her memories, but, come on. caroline's already done that to poor miss nameless nurse! who's she to get all judgmental? also, picking a fight with damon would be low on my list of things to do after becoming a vampire. (trying to turn into a bat would be high on it). and caroline saying "you suck" to damon is the worst. line. ever. BUT. she does deliver katherine's message. so now damon can have no doubt as to how any of this came to be.

      "yeah. i need you to come with me right now, elena." (damon)

remember that whole damon = werewolves and stefan = katherine thing? well, for some reason while damon is off collecting elena, stefan ends up having to be the lurky one to see the little experiment through with the carnie and tyler. the carnie is pretty amazingly strong himself and totally holds his own not just against tyler, but even uncle mason. (yes, this is the knife fight of the episode previews. sadly, no knife). but we do learn that werewolves can jump really high! much like vampires! because uncle mason jumps over the carnie's head. which -- really? is that really the wisest use of werewolf powers? i'm not convinced. and neither is tyler, who would have to be a half-wit to not be suspicious of his uncle's little tricks.

meanwhile, in an empty classroom (where all such discussions take place), damon tells elena and stefan about caroline's new vampiredom. man, i hope we don't tell jeremy because that kid is gonna be pissed that stupid CAROLINE got to become a vampire before him. but anyway. the three of them ask themselves the same question we're all asking ourselves: why caroline? and why on earth did katherine leave her little message and then peace out of town? is she just watching the drama unfold from afar? she's gonna be back, right? but when? -- okay, these are actually all my questions, but the suspense is killing me. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS. she clearly does not just want caroline to be a vampire. that would be like having a magic lamp with three wishes and wasting one on a pretzel dog. pretzel dogs are delicious, yes, but you don't waste a wish on that!

so let's go back to the classroom discussion:

      "caroline of all people will not make it as a vampire. her mother's a vampire hunter! guys, come on. we all know how the story ends, so just flip to the last chapter--" (damon)

      "your silence is deafening, stefan." (damon)

i love that damon reminds everyone that there was school carnival the night stefan staked vicki, although, to be fair, i don't think that was a carnival, i think it was just a halloween bash...? dance...? on second thought, maybe it was a carnival. regardless, this is case and point that at least 40% of these episodes take place at festivities of some kind. who knew mystic falls was such a party town?

back to the subject of their conversation, caroline is acting all weird with matt, who, bless his heart, just looks hurt 90% of this episode. after she almost bites matt, she runs away, only to come upon the carnie with the bloody nose. and again with the sound effects and the messy eating. so. gross. but talk about a rough night for that guy! first having to fight two werewolves and then eaten by a vampire!

a vampire that damon is taking upon himself to kill. yes, with a tent stake.

but before we get into that, we get to have two pity parties, one with stefan and elena -- both of whom are convinced katherine is doing "this" to them. look, i don't give a rat's tail who she's doing it TO, i just want to know WHY! then, uncle mason tries to tell tyler that he took brazilian martial arts and that's how he learned how to jump over six-foot tall men. really? and let me guess, jenna was at the fire department filling out paperwork again, right? tyler and i are so unconvinced we both storm off in a huff. well, actually only tyler. i have to finish blogging this stupid episode.

so back to caroline!

      "what's wrong with me?"

really, caroline? YOU'RE A VAMPIRE. THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU. damon's at least being nice before he kills her. her begging for her life is totally lame though. anyway, of course she's not going to die. stefan and elena appear just in the nick of time. man, i bet elena did not think she was almost going to get staked tonight. would have served her right though.

      "whatever happens...it's on you." (damon)

damon goes to get a shovel to bury the carnie while bonnie shows up and realizes that caroline is a vampire. this is probably not going to help her with her hatred of vampires schtick.

      "don't pout about it. we got a body to bury." (damon)

then bonnie has a freak out when damon returns. dude. can't that girl keep her cool under any circumstance? apparently not. not that elena is very helpful in this situation either. she just sort of hangs around silently while bonnie incorrectly blames damon for everything that's happening, including caroline being a vampire. not only that, she just stands there stupidly as bonnie lights damon on fire with her whore magic. ugh. elena. so useless. and where are the other nine people who live in this town? they don't hear damon screaming in agony and fire? no one is concerned about this?

apparently not.

and how does this all end? elena hugs bonnie.

DON'T HUG BONNIE! SHE'S A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING AND AN EVIL WITCH!

so while that drama is going down, stefan is cleaning up caroline in the bathroom and it is about the sweetest thing i've ever seen. why is he so wonderful? and i love that he's like...going to teach caroline how to be a good vampire, or something. like the karate kid. and he's mr. miyagi. a vampire mr. miyagi. only then he goes and promises caroline that he's going to make sure nothing happens to her. only you shouldn't make promises you might not be able to keep, stefan. NOW WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO HER?!

i'm guessing stefan sends caroline home and then finds elena who is all whorey complainerstein about how nothing in her life is normal. no. it's not. but when you have the hottest boyfriend in the world, sometimes you have to make trade-offs. that's no reason to cry about it, and certainly no reason to NOT kiss said super hot boyfriend.

as the lockwoods are turning in for the night, tyler now hates(?) his uncle. his dad apparently showed him where the secret safe is, not to the mention the combination to it, so i guess he wasn't a total failure as a father...? in this safe we find some papers binder-clipped together and the moonstone uncle mason is looking for.



switch to the salvatore residence and damon badly needing a drink. at this point in the episode, i also badly need a drink.

      "you don't lock your front door." (jeremy)
      "yeah." (damon. goes to take a drink)
      "no -- i wouldn't. i laced it with vervain." (jeremy)
      "now why would you do that?" (damon)
      "so i could stake you. with this." (jeremy throws sharpened table leg on the floor)

so melodramatic.

      "you came here to kill me?" (damon)
      "it's only fair. you killed me first." (jeremy)

seriously, jeremy is so ridiculous. he then proceeds to ask damon's advice on what to do with his life...?

      "i don't do the big brother thing very well. sorry i don't have any milk and cookies to offer you." (damon)
      "dick." (jeremy)

well what did you expect?! it's damon! HE KILLED YOU! and will probably do it again before this season is over if i know damon at all. but for now, damon is able to get a grip and admits that his own father hated vampires too, just like jeremy's father and uncle.

      "only it was 1864. people knew how to whittle." (damon)

bah-dum-CHING!

at the forbes residence, caroline's lying in bed, probably wondering what she's going to do in the morning, you know, when the sun comes up. (i, too, would very much like to know the answer to that question). then matt crawls in through her window.

      "i came to see if today's basket-case period had expired." (matt)

she tries to get him to leave, but he confesses that he's in love with her. oh, matt...bad timing, my friend. but maybe caroline's going to be okay after all because she manages to both kiss and hug him without sinking her fangs into his adorable little neck. you know what this means, right?

we have not dodged the her-and-matt relationship bullet AT. ALL.

so while all of that is very ooey-gooey romantic, the producers have to one up themselves on the ending, wherein stefan wakes elena with a kiss, tells her it's almost "dawn" and asks her to come with him to the deserted carnival grounds.

      "well, i compelled the guard to go on break. so i can kiss my girlfriend on top of the ferris wheel."

oh god. hold up while i go choke on my own vomit. (but not really, that's gross. i hate vomit).

stefan then proceeds to not so much "jump" as "fly" them to the top buggy where they laugh together and kiss and wonder what else is going to happen. because if katherine turning caroline into a vampire is just the beginning, then this season is going to be a shitstorm. no joke.

preview: episode 02, "brave new world"

NOTE: not a reference to the huxley novel.

...or is it?

so let me get this straight. caroline is a vampire. and goes crazy. and starts eating people at the carnival. (there sure are a lot of "festivals" and "parades" and "carnivals" and stuff in mystic falls, a town with a whopping thirteen people. possibly only twelve since i haven't seen alaric yet). (haters).

and then uncle mason gets in a knife fight* in the parking lot and tyler's all, "DUDE! YOUR EYES!"

and then damon is going to kill caroline. which, by the way, doesn't necessarily seem like the right solution to this problem, exactly...

and then bonnie lights stuff on fire. again. whorishly.

did i miss anything? this episode sounds great.

and lest i leave you totally bummed out, internet, please accept this peace offering -- your daily damon:

      "aren't you worried one day allllll the forest animals are going to band together and fight back? i mean, surely they talk." (damon)

      "i have more important things to do. like explode." (damon)





* there may or may not be a knife involved in this fight.

episode 01, "the return" or as i like to call it, "shit gets real"

SPOILER ALERT:

CAROLINE IS A UNICORN!!!!!!!!
and by unicorn, i mean vampire.

but allow me to start at the beginning.

so elena finds uncle john and calls 9-1-1 like a good daughter (i might have just left him there to bleed it out) and does not actually encounter katherine. interestingly though, she does decide to run upstairs to check on jeremy while holding a knife. uh...didn't her parents ever teach her not to run with knives?

so, good news first: jeremy is not a vampire. i knew that kid didn't take enough pills to kill himself. turns out anna's blood just ended up healing him. man, that must be a total bummer. to lay down thinking you're going to become a vampire and only to wake up to find your angry sister and her boyfriend, who then slaps you around a little and informs you that NO, YOU'RE NOT A VAMPIRE.

back up, stefan slaps jeremy around? yeah! pretty harsh, right? i mean, i understand that this is serious stuff, but apparently i didn't know this was "slap in the face" serious. (it is). who's the bad cop now, huh?

meanwhile, at the hospital, matt has a sad because caroline might die, thereby permanently ending their annoying relationship. as he fills bonnie in on what happened though, the light bulb goes off above her head and she's like, "wait a minute...why did tyler hear the noise?" ooh, a mystery! while she consoles matt, damon consoles the sheriff. which makes me wonder if maybe he cares about her? just a little bit? a teeny, tiny bit?

so when elena arrives, everyone's a little on edge at the hospital. bonnie doesn't know any spells to help caroline, so somehow they come to the conclusion that damon should give caroline some of his vampire blood to heal her.

um.

what?

in what world is this even remotely a good idea? but damon agrees to do it. and when he says to bonnie, "if i do this. you and me. call a truce?" (damon) -- she basically shoots him down. WHAT. A. WHORE. i guess this answers the question about how much more of a whore she can be this season: A. LOT.

and speaking of whatever world the producers/writers live in...really? we're explaining jenna's total non-response to the stabbing and attempted suicide in her house by her supposedly telling elena/katherine that she had to go to the "fire department" to fill out a "report"? REALLY? that's how we're explaining this away?

all right, fine.

so after bonnie the whore stomps off, damon tries to talk to elena about their kiss, but, overhearing the above conversation with jenna where jenna's all, "i told you i was going to the fire department" and elena's like, "you be crazy, no you di'in't" he comes to the realization that katherine is back. his "oh shit" face is priceless. and of course, at the SAME MOMENT, stefan is having his own surprise encounter with katherine at elena's house. the funny thing is that stefan realizes immediately that it is not elena.

damon and real elena, having put the pieces of the puzzle together, go home and scare katherine off. this obviously leads to the "what are we going to do?! oh noes!" conversation.

      "katherine was in this house. that means she's been invited in. what are we gonna do?" (elena)
      "move." (damon)

step one: elena tells jeremy the truth about what's going on. apparently that is a five second conversation...? but anyway, we are left to conclude that all of jeremy's teenage angst has evaporated with his failed attempt at vampiredom and he and elena are cool again.

step two: damon goes straight for the kill by confessing that he kissed elena/katherine. SUPER. AWKWARD. (in an amazing way).

      "to risk another frown line encroaching on a very crowded forehead..." (damon)

step three: argue and threaten each other. (mostly damon and stefan).

step four: decide on a course of action. stefan and elena decide to talk to john and damon decides to do nothing except ponder the eventuality of what he'll do to katherine:

      "stake her. rip her head off. something poetic. we'll see." (damon)

the next day, caroline is miraculously better because damon slipped her a little v-juice -- which i am still maintaining is a bad idea, right? -- and there's this vomit-worthy moment with caroline, matt and bonnie that's all hugs and teddy bears and rainbows. gross.

racking up sainthood points of all kind, damon also agrees to play referee between mrs. lockwood and the sheriff, which ends in total lolz. (of course this conversation happens in the midst of everyone in town milling around the mayor's house to offer condolences. so. you know. the perfect place for a whisper argument).

      "your husband is the one who helped john gilbert execute his idiot plan in the first place." (sheriff forbes)

and then up rolls mason lockwood.

WHO. IS. THAT.

uncle mason? are you joking? shyeah right. "uncle." i'm so sure. just another piece of eye candy because...you know...why not? he and tyler have a total bro moment and in order to let teevee viewers recover, the show flashes back to the hospital, this time not for caroline drama, but uncle john drama. that's right. uncle john. still alive and still a total dick. how is it possible for him to still be such a dick after loosing most of his fingers and possibly his whole hand? i don't know. but it is uncle john.

after elena and stefan ask him questions that he refuses to answer, and he offends them some more, elena storms out and the new badass stefan threatens uncle john, going so far as to force vampire blood down his throat. I. KNOW.

      "and i will watch you hate yourself more than you already do." (stefan)

long story short: uncle john is leaving town.

back at the lockwoods' house, damon tries to find out more about uncle mason and tyler invites katherine in. way to go, tyler. you idiot. bonnie also tries to talk to damon about why tyler and his father were affected by the gilbert device, but it quickly devolves into their usual bickering.

      "yes, bonnie. i would love to know why a non-vampire was tortured by the vampire torture device that you let john gilbert use against us." (damon)

      "you're welcome." (damon)
      "no, you're welcome." (bonnie)
      "why am i welcome?" (damon)
      "you live to see another day." (bonnie)
      "no good deed goes unpunished with you, does it?" (damon)

      "damon drives me crazy. he's walking around like he's some kind of hero for healing caroline when it's his fault all this happened in the first place." (bonnie)

frankly, bonnie being a whore is totally getting old. also, i believe it's technically HER fault that all this happened, seeing as how she's the one who didn't actually deactivate the gilbert device. right? so in some ways, it kind of serves her right that she's really talking to katherine instead of elena and finally gets a beat down from an even bigger whore.

      "and then there's you, the vampire-hating bennett witch. did i do good?" (katherine)

so in case you're wondering, let me get it out of the way now -- no one at the lockwoods' ever sees elena and katherine together, and definitely no one notices the fact that elena magically changes clothes and hairstyle. go figure.

katherine does flirt with matt though, practically moaning that, "uuuuuh, his eyes are so blue." (katherine) before luring stefan outside with some nonsense about, "how about we don't have a couple's fight in front of all your friends?" (katherine) and something about playing a game with no rules.

no rules? is that something we're supposed to understand? stefan obviously does because he makes a face like he just swallowed a mouthful of cough medicine. damon was right about the ever-crowded forehead...

so while stefan and katherine go off, elena and damon have yet another heart-to-heart, with aunt jenna pausing watchfully to be like, "uh, don't make out with damon again, pleez, okthanxbai." (with her eyes).

      "great, elena. walking on sunshine. thanks for asking." (damon)

      "i kissed you. i thought you kissed me back. doppleganger hijinks ensued. how do you think i'm doing?" (damon)

damon drives me crazy. why does he have to be occasionally sensitive? grooooosssssss.

and to take the gross factor of this episode one step further, we have yet another moment of jeremy trying to befriend tyler, even though tyler is still totally uninterested.

      "the difference is my dad was a dick." (tyler)
      "yeah. he was." (jeremy)

fortunately, uncle mason decides to walk in on the pseudo-bonding at the most inopportune moment. oh, uncle mason. if that's even your REAL NAME. way to encourage underage drinking.

meanwhile, katherine is blabbering on and on to stefan about nothing even remotely interesting while stefan tries and fails miserably to get her to disclose any information about why she's there and why she wanted all the tomb vampires dead:

      "there's nothing more annoying than a vengeful vampire, stefan. just ask john gilbert." (katherine)

then the whore (katherine...not bonnie...) goes and tells stefan that she came back for him because she still loves him. WHAT. luckily, stefan is a badass now, so he totally whisper threatens her and i'm not gonna lie: i got all wobbly-kneed when he did. katherine then stabs him with a decorative garden lantern post and then scampers away.

ridiculous.

moments later, elena finds stefan and starts mopping up the blood from his stomach with like...a handkerchief of some kind...

      "cover up, fabio." (damon)
      "you got a crazy ex on the loose. better watch out. looks like katherine's trying to steal your guy." (damon)

cue damon and stefan bonding/fight scene. let's face it. damon needs to fight something or he is going to lose it. he's already losing it! and stefan. really. for the love of god, now is not the moment for a righteous lecture. but does that stop him? pfffffft. no.

      "let me know when you guys are done." (elena)

      "make your threat. stake your claim." (damon)
      "i'm not gonna fight you." (stefan)
      "WHY?! i'd fight me." (damon)

      "brother. don't you worry. our bond is unbreakable." (damon) (sarcastically) (duh)

      "how we respond to that will define us." (stefan) (really?)
      "it's our choice." (stefan) (seriously? who wrote this?)

back at the gilbert house, uncle john is packing his bags when jeremy finds him and they have a typical uncle john conversation where he just annoys whoever he's talking to.

      "so you figured you'd kill all your evil vampires and then you'd leave town?" (jeremy)

BUT. we do find out more about the rings! there's nothing that can save them from accidents, not even the rings! so that's why grayson died apparently. bummer. on that note, uncle john makes one final pitch about how jeremy's a gilbert and is a part of the fight against vampires, or whatever, and jeremy's like, "whatever, uncle john, i'm not into the family legacy stuff," and uncle john goes, "sooner or later...you'll have to." have to what? this doesn't make any sense! jeremy has chosen. and he's chosen not to be a dick.

from that we go back to the lockwoods' where tyler has a freak out and uncle mason pins him to the floor and tells him to cool it. still no sense of when tyler is finally going to become a werewolf, but judging by the vein in his forehead, i can't help but guess...soon...?

and as if that wasn't enough, sure, why not, let's head over to the salvatore house, where yes. damon really does go all 1864 in just a snap of the fingers. CUE DAMON-KATHERINE MAKE-OUT SESSION.

      "don't pout. it's not attractive in a woman your age." (damon)
      "ouch." (katherine)

      "i'm better at the enigmatic one-liners, katherine." (damon)

      "wait. brief pause." (damon) (mid-make-out)

but then, damon, in a touchingly heartfelt moment, asks katherine what the deal is: did she ever love him? and guess what? the answer is no.

WHAT.

then why torture damon? what is the point? what is the purpose? even in this moment? why come back for a last good-bye make-out session or whatever? i hate katherine sooooooooo muuuuuuuuuuch.

so what does damon do? what he always does. pays a visit to his brother's girlfriend!

      "that's me. trusty bodyguard. calm in crisis." (damon)

      "no, i'm not upset. upset is an emotion specifically for those who care." (damon)

then he tries to make out with her. again. but for real this time. and this is just a hunch, but i'm guessing that elena saying "i love stefan. it's always going to be stefan" is probably not what damon needed to hear right then in that moment. and actually it's probably not going to lead to anything good in the next six minutes or however much is left of the episode. am i right?

I AM SO RIGHT.

because jeremy walks in and is like, "what's going on?" and elena's like, "nothing," but jeremy's all dad-like and goes, "it doesn't look like nothing" and then DAMON BREAKS HIS NECK.

IN.SANE.

should i even wonder where jenna is right now?

the only thing that prevents this from being totally and completely horrible is that jeremy is wearing his father's ring, which apparently uncle john gave to him. on the one hand, this is possibly the only good thing uncle john has ever done. ever. on the other hand, it also means uncle john is dead meat.

elena is pretty emotional through all this, understandably, and stefan tries to comfort her, but she is like, "no. that's it. i hate damon." which i was surprised to find really upset me. a lot. but as mentioned jeremy wakes up -- thank goodness -- and is not a vampire. (anna's blood, remember).

      "damon killed me!" (jeremy)

well. to be honest, jeremy, you're not the first and you surely won't be the last. now jeremy and alaric have something in common! (WHERE IS ALARIC)?

and while this is going on, they tease us with just a little tidbit of conversation between tyler and his uncle, where mason mentions "the curse of being a lockwood" without actually revealing the secret of their werewolfdom. lame.

i know what you're thinking: the end. right? WRONG. the producers can never just let things be. which is why katherine shows up at the hospital and smothers caroline to death! so that she will become a vampire! and you know what else? IT IS TOTALLY BONNIE'S FAULT THAT KATHERINE KNOWS ABOUT DAMON GIVING CAROLINE HIS BLOOD. and katherine leaves a little message for the salvatore brothers, very godfather-style:

      "game on." (katherine)

what does it meeeeeean? this episode is full-on double rainbow all the way...

the cw: still in the stone age

that’s right, internet. the cw will still not let me watch stefan and damon online until sunday. for the love of all that is holy…seriously? and to make matters worse, warner brothers has decided that they have nothing else better to do than troll around youtube deleting videos from the season premiere as fast as tvd (that’s “the vampire diaries” for those of you not following) fans can post them. i get it. your copyright. or whatever. but then give me an alternative for chrissake! i promise you, cw. i would pay $5 every week to watch an episode online if you posted it immediately after airing. $5! why do you hate my money?!

also, do not be fooled by their attempt at a web re-design. it is still impossible to navigate the site. and don't even get me started on how they never posted early episodes from the first season online for me to watch and blog over the summer. haters!

the only good thing to come out of all this is that now i have nothing to do, so i can opine about the upcoming season. obviously i watched their teaser for ‘the year of the kat.’ you kind of have to admire anyone with the balls to be like, “you know what? let's just let Katherine hang around and see what happens. it'll be fine.” riiiiiiiight. i'm sure it’s gonna be soooooo fine. fine like uncle john getting stabbed in the kitchen fine? (i maintain that he had it coming, i'm just pointing out that getting stabbed in the stomach does not equal fine). maybe fine like damon thinking he made out with elena fine? i think i know what to get the producers for christmas: a dictionary.

also, come on. ‘the return’? way to steal the title of my blog post. i mean, i get it. i do. i see what you did there, you clever little writers, you. but wouldn’t ‘blood and death’ have been more straightforward? (oh wait, i forgot, that was the name of the season finale. my bad). how about ‘sex, blood and death’ then? maybe ‘everything is going to be terrible from now on’? the only way this work is if the producers are actually hipsters and this season’s theme is irony and so they’re going to have the season 2 finale named ‘the end.’ i could be into that. i guess. but only in a skinny-jeans-wearing, fake-appreciation-for-andy-warhol kind of way.

have i lost you yet, internet? i blame it on the processed cheese.

back on topic!

thoughts on this season. we’re looking at your classic attempt to appease tvd fans by letting us have damon making out with elena without it actually being elena. the best of both worlds. -- at least, if you’re nina dobrev.

katherine is also going to make things exciting. that's another given. what's not given is how exactly we’re going to explain any of this. oh, some girl showed up who looks so much like elena that you cannot actually distinguish between the two of them? i'm sure it’s “fine.” wait, everyone is dying? you know, this town is pretty dull outside of founder’s day anyway.

…i am being sarcastic.

i am, however, interested in how we’re going to explain this. and also how we’re going to justify the fact that clearly katherine is not going to kill everyone, including, apparently, elena. although, if you were her, after uncle john wouldn’t elena be the first one you would turn on next? just get it over with, right? that whole “ask forgiveness not permission” mentality. but instead, we’re to believe that katherine has a nice little chat, maybe even a cup of tea with elena and allows her to call an ambulance for uncle john, meanwhile, aunt jenna has taken some hardcore prescription medication because HOW IS SHE NOT AWARE OF HOW MUCH IS HAPPENING IN HER OWN HOUSE? and speaking of prescription medication, you have jeremy upstairs on the verge of vampiredom. so that’s fun.

moving on to other things i can’t wait for them to try to explain away: damon still falling into katherine’s clutches? really? after wanting/thinking he made out with elena? after he got all emo on jeremy? we're really supposed to believe that there’s just a snap of the fingers and he’s all 1864 again? i was not born yesterday.


that's all i have in me for now. plenty more to come, of course. like where’s alaric, people? and is tyler ever going to turn into a werewolf or is that sub-plot just a giant cock-tease? will matt and caroline’s relationship continue to annoy everyone? how much more of a whore can bonnie be? and the most important question of all: what new uses can we find for the civil war costumes?

but for now i think i'm going to watch “the other boleyn girl.” why? because it’s here. and paul wesley is not. cue sad music…

please allow me to dramatically reenact episode 22, "founder's day" SEASON FINALE

oh. god. gonna. die.

so everyone in the world was able to watch this episode before me and kept sending me texts like, "OMG YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS" and "IT'S HITTIN THE FAN NOW" and "OH GOD NOOOOOOO." which. you know. is not very nice. because i had to keep texting back, "dude, i am at work." and you can't watch "vampire diaries" at work. duh.

now. let's get down to business.

the season finale starts a bit nostalgically with elena and stefan getting dressed up in their old-timey clothes as part of the founder's day (name of the episode!) celebration. it's nice foreshadowing, actually, for the SURPRISE TWIST AT THE END. oh we will get there, internet, don't you worry. we will get there.

arriving at the high school / fairground / town square / mystic-falls-really-only-has-two-locations-and-the-other-is-the-grille, mrs. lockwood is doing her typical thing and cheerfully bossing people around. seriously, what is it about that woman's crazy sense of authority that i find so endearing? "marching band over there!" "history class, you suck!" "i told you to put the chairs on the stage, minions!" love it.

so stefan's hanging out, waiting for elena, when of course, damon swaggers unto the screen all, "i own this show." you do, damon. we know this. he snags some early one-liners like:

      "look at you. lookin' all retro." (damon)

      "it's founder's day. i'm here to eat cotton candy and steal your girl" (damon) (i know i already quoted it, but it deserves to be quoted again).

      "you have no sense of humor, stefan." (damon) "actually i just have no sense of damon humor." (stefan)

of course, damon can't help himself from digging into stefan's newfound nervousness about the very real (and apparent) possibility that elena will fall in love with damon. damon makes a très faux sympathetique remark about how elena is not katherine when BAM. elena appears looking all katherine-like in a major way, period-costumed out to a t. great timing, right? you writers are so clever! again. with the foreshadowing. (am I giving it away yet)?

meanwhile, in the producers' ongoing attempt to use up the civil war costuming they bought in bulk, jeremy gets dressed in confederate garb when anna appears. blah-blah-your-uncle-killed-my-mom. yeah. uncle john's a dick, anna. tell us something we don't know. jeremy, of course, in his ever-and-unnecessary-confusing-ness, defends uncle john in a lame way. then he proceeds with his one minute wanting to be a vampire, the next not, then he does again, oh wait, just kidding. god. i know he's seventeen or something, but can he please make up his mind one way or another before someone else does it for him? and how did anna get her blood into that tiny vial? do you buy a funnel at the store? like, a dollhouse miniature funnel? seriously, that vial is so small! bottom line: jeremy is now in possession of vampire blood. great. because that's a good idea. NOT.

concluding the emo scene in jeremy's bedroom where absolutely nothing is decided definitively, anna vanishes in her typically anna fashion, and it's kinda poignant. sometimes i feel like the show treats their relationship with so much more seriousness than it deserves. but i digress.

back on the quad / launch pad / open-prairie-behind-the-high-school-gymnasium, stefan predictably tells elena the latest theory that john is her father, which we teevee viewers, fortunately, are already aware of. (gross). elena reacts predictably by whining about how hard her life is. wah, i have a super-hot boyfriend whose super-hot brother is also in love with me, but my brother doesn't like me and so i must complain about it to anyone who will listen. ugh. what. ever.

in further foreshadowing, stefan comforts elena and tells her not to worry, "he's your brother. he'll forgive you." (stefan)

crazy random switch to matt and caroline! gah, do they still exist? yes. are they still dating? yes. annoying, right? so while caroline's all "hide your cast. it's not era appropriate" (caroline) to matt, we also come to find out that tyler and matt did not have the presumed making-up time on their ride to the hospital in the last episode. in fact, maybe caroline is not even trying so hard to force them to make up since she basically bites tyler's head off for no reason. dude looks understandably confused and annoyed. i know, tyler. i know. the town's gone crazy.

and just to make sure we understand that jeremy is SO TOTALLY NOT FORGIVING ELENA, they pound it home one more time with him telling elena to leave him alone as we all get ready for happy-go-crazy-parade time. as far as i can tell, there are approximately thirteen people who live in mystic falls, and the parade scenes do nothing to dissuade me of this. mrs. lockwood plays a rockin' emcee though (i didn't know parades had emcees?) and makes it sound like, "ohmygosh! look at all these floats that people made of their own free will! isn't it marvelous?" yeah. super marvelous.

i can't tell from the miss mystic falls float scene if amber is up there or not. poor amber. she's probably going to need a lot of therapy, but fortunately I don't think we'll ever actually see her again on the show. (maybe as an extra, I guess). (and yes, I watched that freaking float scene nineteen times trying to determine if she was on it, but results are inconclusive).

and speaking of floats, does anyone else remember the fact that matt and tyler used to be (still are?) on the football team? and actually so was (is?) stefan? whatever happened with that? who's the coach since damon killed mr. tanner? obviously it doesn't come automatically with the history teacher gig although it would be hilarious if it did. and come to think of it, what year are they supposed to be in high school? is next season going to feature some kind of preparing-for-graduation shenanigans?

so while the parade is happening, the tomb vampires, somewhere on the outskirts of town, are plotting their revenge with an 8x11" piece of white paper and a black sharpie. (seriously, who made that map? it's kind of awesome). am i the only one who thinks all these guys look exactly the same? anna breaks into the meeting, but it is so obvious that she is going to play these fools. we weren't born yesterday, producers. (we also saw the previews for this episode and anna clearly spills the beans).

meanwhile, damon is growing both more flirtatious and more emo by the second. i am pretty much waiting for him to start writing sad songs on his sneakers. i mean, i get it. he's gradually letting his humanity back in. i get it. i really do. but does his humanity have to be as emo as every other goddamn character on this show? how are he and elena ever going to be "friends" when he so clearly wants to make out with her face?

but don't worry. we are saved from their awkward exchange by jeremy being a dick again! can someone please remind him that his sister is adopted and dating a vampire and her life - while basically awesome - is still a little complicated, and she is PRACTICALLY GROVELING? do you think he'd forgive her more readily if she had a little more self-respect in her apologies? jesus. instead of anything like that though, damon follows jeremy when he storms off and mocks him, all:

      "i have so many emotions. but i don't have any way to express them. being a teenager's so hard." (damon) "dick." (jeremy)

and then suddenly jeremy grows an enormous pair of balls or forgets that he's talking to damon and actually threatens to, what? scream? oh, "cause a scene." right. if you ask me, damon is totally justified in threatening to rip his head off and drink his blood. which damon does not actually say, but that was the basic point he was making when stefan appears to save the day! yay! although he offers possibly the weirdest apology of all time. and then, weirdness on top of weirdness, jeremy pseudo accepts it? this show is so bizarre.

recommence with the awesome damon lines as damon and stefan once again get into it over elena, who, as previously mentioned, is not all that great, but no one seems to notice that.

      "good cop, bad cop. i like it." (damon)

      "oh, there's only one do-gooder hero role available. i'm sorry. my bad." (damon)

now we get to the juicy part of the episode. uncle john has found out that the tomb vampires, in the most melodramatic plan a group of vampires could ever think of, are going to attack mystic falls during the founder's day fireworks display. DUN-DUN-DUN. their plan is to kill the descendants of the founding families, but john is going to use his awesome jonathan gilbert invention to kill them all with a long speech about how he's finishing what their ancestors started.

only one problem, uncle john: sheriff forbes realizes this is a TERRIBLE idea! and she is going to kick some douchebag butt between you and mayor lockwood! ...or...you know...uncle john is going to knock her out and handcuff her in her own office. sad face.

several hours / one commercial break later, damon is still hanging around awkwardly since he doesn't actually know anyone in mystic falls except the council (which is, even at this moment, getting ready to kill him) and elena and alaric. luckily, anna shows up to tell him that everyone is about to die! is anna a terrible informer? or the most terrible informer of all time? seriously, she waited until right now to tell anyone what's going down? what are we supposed to do NOW?

flash to scene of tomb vampires about to blend into the crowd wearing founder's day t-shirts and scowls full of vengeance. and on a totally irrelevant side note, who is THAT GUY and how did he become leader of the tomb pack?

so now that damon knows what's going down, who does he turn to in his hour of need but his bff ric. that's right. history teacher by day, vampire hunter by night, teenage heartthrob and all-around-good-guy, ric is the first human to learn that tonight is going to be a night to remember for more reasons than the fireworks and cotton candy. who's the second you ask? duh. elena. damon rushes over to her and stefan, intensely holds her hand for way too many seconds, and then tells them to get out of there because EVERYONE IS ABOUT TO DIE.

of course, being elena and stefan, they totally do the OPPOSITE of getting out of there under the lame excuse of needing to find jeremy, who is quite frankly a pretty ungrateful brat in this episode and deserves to be vampire dessert. ha - as if anna would ever let that happen.

back at the mystic grille, caroline is back to trying to make matt and tyler be friends again, but now they're both too busy being all bro about it. so when mayor lockwood walks in to publicly chastise his son, as is his way, it's a little weird that caroline jumps in all, "mayor, is everything okay?" (caroline).

no, caroline. everything is not okay. and strangely, this is the first time i haven't totally hated mayor lockwood since he ends up getting all of them out of there, even giving them his car keys! hopefully that will keep them safe from the impending doom, except OH NO NOT REALLY DO YOU EVEN KNOW THIS SHOW?

so, with the kids safely (or not so safely) on their way home, the mayor gets up to give his historic-small-town-founder-worship speech that isn't awkward at all. fireworks commence to completely inearnest oohs and aahs and the mayor and mrs. lockwood run away but try to act casual about it in one of the most inadvertently hilarious parts of the episode.

of course, at that same moment, damon goes to confront uncle john on his incredible stupidity, only the device was not un-spelled by bonnie, as we teevee viewers all know, so damon is victim numero uno, falling and writhing miserably on the floor of grayson gilbert's old doctor's office. I HATE YOU SO MUCH UNCLE JOHN. YOU ARE MADE OF MORE EVIL THAN ANY VAMPIRE WE'VE MET SO FAR EXCEPT MAYBE FREDERIC BECAUSE HE TORTURED STEFAN.

whew. glad that's out of my system. where was i? oh yeah. EVERYONE IS DYING. including tyler because apparently werewolves can hear the device, too! for a second it looks like he might actually turn into a werewolf, right then, in the car with matt and caroline, but instead he just crashes it into a fence. great. awesome. more death. just what we need.

back at the fireworks, stefan goes down! and the town's deputies, who are injecting people with vervain left and right, move in to get him when...SAVED BY ALARIC!

but mayor lockwood? not so lucky. now, it's not that i never considered that the mayor was a werewolf too, but why didn't he ever tell his son about their werewolf-ness? or his wife?

now, remember that anna was off saving jeremy? well, about ten hours after she corners him in the bathroom, the deputies bust in and take her away, which i find a little random.

so, in typical secret council uncreativeness, they put all the knocked out vampires in the basement of grayson's building and are going to burn it down. like i said, so super original. i can't imagine where they thought of it. and while john is surveying his handiwork, anna grabs his ankle pleadingly. i'm guessing we're supposed to imply that she was the one informing him on the tomb vamps plans? which is why it's so nice of him to DRIVE A STAKE INTO HER HEART. it seems kind of double-harsh since she's just going to be set on fire anyway, but john is immune to logic. and now jeremy is once again going to be tragically heartbroken.

the good news is that damon appears not to be doused in gasoline when uncle john throws the match down the stairs like the cold-hearted demon he is. however, there are several guys in the background who are doused in gasoline. sucks to be them.

back to stefan and elena, the device has wound down (how random that it only works for five minutes. whose idea was that) and we come to the slow realization of bonnie's whoreness. we also come to the realization that damon is missing! and hasn't been seen since all of this started happening! oh, you can practically see the gears turning slowly in their heads. alaric is strangely unconcerned about the fact that his bff damon is probably dead, and instead opts to find jeremy and take him home at elena's request. oh, alaric.

now, lest you think we've forgotten about poor liz, sheriff forbes, worry not. mrs. lockwood rescues her and is all, "your deputies took my husband and he's so totally not a vampire, wtf?" good question, mrs. lockwood. unfortunately, your husband is about to die in a fire.

flash back to fire! damon is slowly regaining his strength and sees the mayor, who is obviously not all lethargic from the vervain. seeing damon, they exchange surprise that the other is there and damon, in his ever-charming way, announces, "i'm a vampire. what's your excuse?" (damon) weirdly, this revelation causes mayor lockwood to hop into the lap of a tomb vampire who then breaks his neck. okay then.

then, back at the scene of the car accident (remember? caroline, matt and tyler? the car? yeah. there's a whole lot going on in the episode and for no good reason). so, back at the car we get to see what werewolf eyes look like and they look AWESOME! tyler turns out to be okay, but then caroline faints! (what a drama queen). and everyone becomes concerned about that. hopefully caroline is not also some mythological creature. if she is though, i'm guessing...unicorn?

THEN, back to the burning building! stefan and elena run up to uncle john. uncle john makes another melodramatic speech about how he's totally doing the right thing, so stop acting like he's a terrible person. so what does elena do? she tricks him into admitting that he's her father! but don't worry, he is still a huge bag of douche. and in case you thought this couldn't get any worse, bonnie oh-so-randomly appears at the same moment to tell stefan that he'll never make it if he goes into the building. but HELLO. it's STEFAN. of course he's going to go in there, but not before he cries, "he's my brother, bonnie!" (stefan). SO. EMO.

rockin' round the corner, here comes elena, only to be stopped, once again, but this time by bonnie. and what does our little whore witch do? apologies! WRONG TIME TO APOLOGIZE, BONNIE. but then, i guess she does use a little magic to tame the enormous fire enough for stefan to run down and save damon.

so here we are, and hard as it is to believe, there are still, like, FIFTEEN MINUTES left on the show. what could possibly happen next? stefan's alive. damon's alive. jeremy's alive, bonnie, matt, caroline, tyler, jenna, alaric, pretty much almost every major character. this is pretty anti-climactic after all, isn't it?

WRONG.

i mean. not totally wrong. there's plenty of anti-climactic stuff like stefan admitting to loving his brother, elena reassuring stefan that she's not going to fall in love with damon, blah-blah-blah. dude, what is WITH stefan's sudden concern with this? is there, perhaps, some bit of katherine history that we don't know about yet? something even more messed up than what we already know, which is PLENTY messed up as it is? well, stay tuned for next season, i guess.

damon also appears in jeremy's room and tells him all about how anna is now dead, which jeremy, thankfully, figured. what damon doesn't tell him is that uncle john's the one who staked her. not sure why he left out that detail. then, damon and jeremy proceed to have a heart-to-heart and i come to the horrifying realization that DAMON IS TURNING INTO STEFAN. (gross). there's only so much room for brooding on this show. i don't know how much more furrowed brow i can handle.

the damon-jeremy exchange is best summed up by these two quotes -- both real downers:

      "i know you think you took it away, but it's still there. even if i can't remember why, i still feel empty. alone. making me forget won't fix it. it won't fix what's really wrong." (jeremy)

      "life sucks either way, jeremy. at least if you're a vampire you don't have to feel bad about it if you don't want to." (damon)

so apparently damon, too, would like to feel every episode of 'how i met your mother.'

back at the hospital (NO THE EPISODE IS NOT OVER YET), matt and tyler bro-make-up. heart. but caroline is going to die. JUST KIDDING. (maybe). sheriff forbes also tells tyler that his werewolf dad is dead, but apparently neither of them knew / know that they're werewolves, which is kind of ridiculous. i would imagine that's something you notice. you know. becoming a wolf. but whatever.

but caroline. yeah. i guess we'll find out about that next season too.

we'll also find out if jeremy becomes a vampire! that's right! he gulps down that vial of anna's blood and then swallows not-nearly-enough acetaminophen to kill himself, one pill at a time. what an amateur. he totally did not think this through, which is no doubt why he lies down on his bed at the end of the episode. my guess is someone is going to find him and they are going to pump his stomach and boo-hoo, no vampiredom for jeremy.

then bonnie threatens stefan.

i know what you're thinking. "WHAT? WHY?" i don't know, internet. she just does. she claims elena is her best friend, totally ignoring the fact that she's been a whore since she returned from her five episode hiatus, and then tells stefan that she will kill him to kill damon if that's what it takes. so, in conclusion, totally not forgiven for being a whore, even if she did do one good thing in this episode.

now, cue the romantic music as damon walks out the front door of elena's house while elena is coming up the front steps. why is damon coming out the front door? because it's dramatic! duh! and lest you think he is all emo-ed out, he totally is not. i was pretty much waiting for him to turn on the waterworks while talking to elena about how he's not good, he's never been good, boo-hoo, but she's changed him...? in his most heartfelt damonness, he tells elena, "somewhere along the way you decided that i was worth saving." (damon) yes. but can he be saved? APPARENTLY NOT SINCE HE MAKES OUT WITH HIS BROTHER'S GIRLFRIEND. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? and to make matters worse, bonnie's whoreness must have rubbed off on elena because she SO. TOTALLY. KISSES. HIM. BACK.

OR DOES SHE?

well, what does happen is jenna opens up the door and puts an end to all this unsavory behavior. which, side note, it's even more weird that damon used the front door if jenna was home. is that woman deaf? maybe, but she is also so indignant about catching elena kissing damon, and this makes me like her even more than i already do. that's right, aunt jenna! you tell elena she's a whore!

but. alas. elena escapes way too easily, only to be cornered by uncle john in the kitchen. or is it the other way around and she corners him? UM. THE LATTER. because guess what? in the midst of attempted father-daughter bonding and the putting away of knives, we find out that it's not elena after all, IT'S KATHERINE! AND THEN SHE STABS UNCLE JOHN.

YESSSSSSSSS.

but seriously? how does this work? jenna's at home. jeremy's upstairs, surely still clinging to life. you mean to tell me neither of them heard uncle john scream? and what about when the real elena comes home and calls up to jeremy? no one notices that either?

and then that's it. we hear a noise in the kitchen and the episode ends with elena walking back to investigate in her oh-so-typical naiveness. but do you really think the producers are going to let us see elena and katherine interact?

guess we'll find out in four months.

i hate my life.

totally freaking out in a major way

in fact, it's so major that i don't even need to use the caps lock. the caps lock is implied to the millionth degree.

why the freak-out, you ask?

BECAUSE WE ARE MOMENTS AWAY FROM SEASON FINALE-NESS. (oops, caved on the caps lock, i guess).

not only are we approaching imminent death of every character on the show by an ambiguous jonathan gilbert 1864 invention bewitched by emily and so totally not UNbewitched by bonnie -- oh, ho, as if that was not enough, internet -- but we must also wait through a grueling hot summer of, what? a bajillion months? until we find out how everyone is going to be resurrected in order for there to be a second season.

THANK YOU, VAMPIRE DIARIES GODS, FOR LETTING THERE BE A SECOND SEASON!

CURSE YOU, CW NETWORK FOR ALLOWING ME TO BE VAMPIRE DIARY-LESS FOR FOUR MONTHS!

and while the 2% of americans who still watch television on an actual television will get to savor tonight's horrible demise of a lot of lovable vampires (and maybe non-vampires, who knows!) thanks to bonnie's no-good whoreness, the rest of us, the 98% of americans who realize DVRs and the internet exist, will have to wait a little longer. and will die a little more every second of that 'a little longer.'

dudes. i am still at work. i haven't even had time to talk about what i predict will happen, or opine about what a dick uncle john is or wonder in a rambling fashion what the heck katherine has to do with any of this. (look for those posts eventually). (maybe). (maybe not).

i am so unprepared for the untimely demise of mystic falls.