you know how this episode begins, my friends? it's as if the producers are already tired of my complaints from the first two episodes because the first person to walk on screen is none other than: alaric! alaric, alaric, alaric! (yay chanting)!
“can i get you something to drink? coffee? bourbon? bourbon and coffee?” (damon)
turns out the mystery person sitting on the sofa in the salvatore house during the preview is alaric after all. and they are so totally asking him questions about the lockwoods. (cue glimpse of tyler about to skulk after his uncle in a very not covert way. i believe we’ve mentioned several times so far this season that he plays multiple varsity sports and is therefore not that easy to conceal… so one hopes the next fifteen minutes goes well for him). alaric, understandably, is like, “kids…i don’t know anything about this, and frankly, i'm a little tired of all of you and your teen vampire angst.” (i am paraphrasing, of course).
“you wouldn’t. but your dead, not dead, vampire wife might.” (damon)
of course, the logical answer, which damon has already scoffed at repeatedly, is that they are werewolves. which, let’s face it, we teevee viewers already know. this is not a subtle show.
“no way. impossible. way too lon chaney. i’ve been on this planet a hundred and sixty some-odd years and never come across one. if werewolves exist, where the hell are they?” (damon)
a fair question, damon. at this moment, it appears that they are checking out the super secret werewolf cave. well isn’t that convenient! it's good to know that tyler won’t have to follow his uncle on any more annoying runs.
“if this wolfman thing is true, i’ve seen enough movies to know it’s not good.” (damon)
while that is, indeed, true, how can it possibly be THAT BAD if all this time no one in mystic falls has known that werewolves exist? it’s not like the council’s mission is to kill vampires AND werewolves. no. just vampires. so my guess is that werewolves have been living there peaceably for a long time. why does the shit have to go and get stirred up now? (besides to propel the plot)?
this does not occur to the scooby doo gang though. and if this were the scooby doo gang, let me just point out that alaric would be shaggy because holy cow his hair has gotten huge! so the gang is going to go check out isobel’s old office and dig through her research to see what they can learn, in typical animated mystery-solving cartoon style. only stefan is not going to go. whaaaaa? he has to babysit caroline. sad face. sad face like a matt face. actually…matt face is the new sad face.
anyway, just ole damon, alaric and elena off together on a road trip. surely nothing can go wrong. but before they go, jenna and alaric have to have a weird and unnecessary moment in which the teevee viewer is not sure whether to look away and let them have some privacy, like maybe any second they are just going to start making out. not that i would be opposed to that.
speaking of being uncomfortable…elena makes out with stefan in front of damon just to dig it in a little deeper that he is so totally not forgiven for killing her brother. (fair).
“you know, this whole pretending to hate me thing is getting a little silly.” (damon)
“i don’t think she’s pretending. you did kill her brother.” (alaric)
“there is a huge asterisk next to that statement. he came back to life.” (damon)
while the gang (or most of them) drive off, at the lockwoods, we learn that tyler is going to invite a bunch of people to the old swim hole. but of course! ye olde swim hole, located conveniently near the ruins of ye olde lockwood estate where the super secret werewolf cave is. man, the forests of mystic falls are just littered with the ruins of old estates and supernatural shit, aren’t they? again, what could possibly go wrong with this plan?
and in case we begin to think that stefan has somehow gotten off easy today, he has his hands full with the bonnie and caroline -- first convincing bonnie to make caroline a day walking ring, and then getting caroline to not be herself as much as possible. bonnie, of course, insists on taking her whoredom to a whole new level, basically refusing to help caroline because she’s a vampire and bonnie’s all anti-vampire these days. but seriously? it’s CAROLINE. you know: bonnie’s bestie. the one she got even more bestie with when she was mad at elena for dating a vampire. yeah, that one. needless to say that stefan eventually convinces her to stop being such a whore and just use a little magic already, but jesus, that should not have been so difficult. and speaking of difficult…oh, caroline…
“so i don’t get to choose the ring i have to wear the rest of my life?” (caroline)
“hey, if you don’t want it…” (bonnie)
“no, no, she wants it.” (stefan)
over in north carolina, alaric, damon and elena make it to isobel’s research office, which is pretty much what i think indiana jones’ office looks like: full of old treasures, shrunken heads, stuff like that. only wouldn’t you know it, the slutty research assistant (vanessa) is some kind of, i don’t know, guardian or something, and comes in with a crossbow to try to kill everyone. and if damon hadn’t stepped in front of elena to take a stake to the back for her, let’s just say we’d be down one more human in the cast right now and stefan would be having a matt face.
alas though, vanessa is not that cool after all, she’s just confused and trigger happy and thought that katherine pierce and damon were come back from the dead or…something. i don’t know. she’s annoying and it doesn’t really matter. elena pulls the stake out of damon and needless to say he is pretty pissed about the whole thing.
“that bitch is dead.” (damon)
but elena convinces damon rather easily not to kill the poor slut since she might be useful in helping them find what it is they’re looking for.
“and this is damon salvatore, who you just shot.” (elena)
“i’d be EXTRA nice to me right now.” (damon)
off on their own little adventure, stefan tries to teach caroline how to hunt wildlife instead of humans. one can only imagine how well that goes. and whatever you imagine is probably pretty close to what actually happens.
“so what do i do when i see the rabbit?” (caroline)
“isn’t killing cute, defenseless animals the first step in becoming a serial killer?” (caroline)
“well, you sort of skipped serial killer and went straight to vampire.” (stefan)
“and now YOU want me to eat bunnies, and i’m kinda freaking out, OKAY?!” (caroline)
that’s right. caroline. freaking out. not at all unexpected. you have to cut stefan some slack for laughing about it, and then when caroline complains that now he’s just using her for amusement, he tries to impart some more yoda-vampire wisdom on her, explaining that human characteristics not only stay with them as vampires, but are often magnified. so he, for example, was sensitive to other people’s feelings and easily felt guilty when he believed himself to be part of their pain or discomfort. this is partly why he has forsaken so much of the typical vampire lifestyle.
“so you’re saying that now i’m basically an insecure, neurotic control freak…on crack.” (caroline)
“well…i wouldn’t say it…like that…” (Stefan)
meanwhile, the search for answers at duke continues, and elena does her elena thing and adds to her collection of whore friends by being nice to the research assistant and giving her some vervain, no doubt concerned that damon is not going to remain peaceable for long.
“does vervain really work?” (vanessa to elena)
“nope. not at all.” (damon, across the room)
“can he hear us?” (vanessa)
“noooo…that would be creepy…” (damon in a stage whisper)
and lest you forgot about the swim hole! let's go check out what’s going on there. oh, stefan and caroline have showed up. (that’s not at all trouble waiting to happen). oh, and uncle mason, too! two vampires is a crowd, but add a werewolf and you’ve got a party!
“why are you looking at him with your serious vampire look?” (caroline)
“my what? my serious vampire look?” (stefan)
“mmhm. i mean, it’s different from your worried vampire look. neither of which stray far from your ‘hey, it’s tuesday’ look.” (caroline)
so. the swim hole. uncle mason is all “make sure everyone’s gone by dark.” not suspicious at all. caroline acts all jealous of some high school whore flirting with matt. standard. caroline compels said whore to bugger off, which, you know, is probably not a very good idea. she's going to get very tired very quickly if she plans to do that to EVERY whore that comes along. matt with his matt face. stefan with his stefan face. end scene at the swim hole.
back at the university, we basically get told a whole bunch of stuff we already know. vampires cursed by the sun. werewolves cursed by the moon. they hate each other. mortal enemies. vampires killed off lots of werewolves, but there are still some left. nothing new here at all, but a nice refresher for those having difficulty following along, i guess.
what we don’t find out about is how tyler fits into anything. uncle mason seems rather unconcerned that his nephew is going to turn into a werewolf and go on a rampage anytime soon. so is it an aging thing? (on the first night of the full moon after your twentieth year…imagine that narrated in a deep voice). or is it more a one-werewolf-in-the-family-at-a-time thing?
regardless, elena has the foresight to call stefan and let him know what they’ve learned, even if it IS negligible, the most important part being that apparently a werewolf bite is fatal to vampires. which i'm sure just warms stefan’s soul because as if he didn’t have enough to worry about regarding caroline, now he has to make sure she doesn’t get killed. and i don’t know if anyone else at ye olde swim hole is paying attention, but stefan sure is acting weird around caroline. my guess is relationship hijinks are about to ensue…
fast forward five or six or nine hours later and it’s all dark and full moony and uncle mason is cutting it pretty close getting to the super secret werewolf cave. it sure does require a whole lot of gear to become a werewolf too. and what the heck does he put in his nalgene? tranquilizer? or dietary supplements? steroids? and whatever it is, is it for humans or dogs? I’M JUST CURIOUS.
and as if this situation wasn’t intense enough, tyler, in his infinite bro wisdom, decides that the super secret werewolf cave would be the bestest place ever to hook up with the whore who was flirting with matt earlier. oh, i'm sorry. did i say bestest? i meant worstest. so now uncle mason is running through the woods, draped in chains and wires like some cracked out jacob marley from a christmas carol. this is obviously not going to end well.
and lo! it doesn’t! because uncle mason is nowhere near securely restrained when he starts morphing and holy goodness does turning into a werewolf look super painful. maybe it was painkillers in the nalgene…?
this is where the producers try to distract us for a second with yet another sesame street lesson between elena and damon, which, let’s face it, is getting a little old. meanwhile, amy (the whore tyler is making out with) comes to her sense and is like, “i totally don’t want to be doing this, i don’t even like you!” tyler responds with a very understated “wow” and then we return to the business at hand, a.k.a. crazy werewolf on the loose. omfgwtfbbq!!!
so stefan (jesus christ, this kid, i tell ya) decides to head straight for the werewolf noises. then the camera angle gets all horror movie on him and all i can wonder is why uncle mason didn’t lock himself into something sturdier…? than,you know, his old jeep, which now has a busted back window…?
you would also think that if vampires had hunted werewolves almost to extinction that they would have some sort of instinct that would let them know when one was near, as well as how to kill or elude one. clearly werewolves have some innate sense of who is and is not a vampire if vampires are their prey of choice, right? (although…presumably they kill people too?) anyway, you would think this, but you would be wrong. at least on this show.
back at duke, the gang is packin’ it in. (in this analogy, does this make stefan velma?) vanessa el whore tries to make a pass at alaric and he’s all “thanks but no thanks,” passing it off as not wanting her to get involved in all the craziness. which. you know. fair point. as elena goes to get in the monster suv that apparently belongs to alaric, damon continues to needle her about maybe knowing something, and then gives her a book with the name “petrova” on it. why? well isn’t it obvious, teevee viewer?! turns out katherine’s real name was katerina petrova because why not? there’s not enough crazytown going on anyway. let's just go ahead and throw on another layer of mystery for kicks.
“men snoop too, you know.” (damon)
“let me know what you find. I’m very curious myself.” (damon)
elena thanks damon for the book, but we are left in ambiguity as to whether or not this means that she’s going to forgive him. and we’re not left with much time to wonder because back in the woods, matt and caroline are making out when matt goes and gashes open all his major arteries on a tree branch. nothing could make more sense at this point in the episode. and of course caroline has to act all WEIRD and VAMPIREY as matt’s all, “wait, what are you doing?”
AS IF HE DIDN'T KNOW.
and then the shit hits the fan. or the werewolf hits the vampire. whatever. but don’t worry, tyler shouts “no!” and uncle mason manages to scamper away while everyone else hangs around confused. man, i can’t wait to see how we explain all this away
oh, and another piece of werewolf information confirmed: werewolves don’t wear pants, guys. 
so now tyler knows his uncle’s a werewolf. although how did uncle mason get so dirty? i understand a little dirty, running around in the forest, but he’s filthy -- covered head to toe. and do you think this is how all the lockwoods found out they were werewolves? or did the rest of them get to find out over, like, a glass of scotch in the library? because i'm thinking the latter…
moving right along, i'm going to cut to the chase which is that caroline breaks up with matt for his own good. I KNOW. they just said i-love-you, but the producers have no thoughts as to our feelings in the matter. the only thing worse than matt and caroline’s relationship is going to be their break-up, which will no doubt be annoying times a gagillion. [insert matt face].
then, elena is really mean to damon and gets him to admit that he did not see jeremy wearing the ring before he broke his neck and killed him. elena proceeds to tell him that they will never be friends again, and damon points out that she tricked him into admitting about jeremy already knowing that no matter what he said she was not going to forgive him. i did not expect this otherwise ridiculous episode to make me cry, but i kind of did at this part. damon looks just…defeated.
and this is really a very “katherine" move on elena’s part. more in common than meets the eye after all…?
the good news is that ric and jenna are back together. woop! and totally make out all over. yeaaaaaaaaaah.
but before you get too yay, back in caroline’s room, katherine shows up and is like, “were gonna have so much fun!” ugh. no we’re not, whore.
[SIDENOTE: we forgot to clear up how katherine can walk in the daylight if her original day walking jewelry, a.k.a. the amber necklace, was used to seal the tomb with the vampires and then recovered by damon. i guess it’s safe to presume she got another piece of jewelry, but…from who?]
Sunday, October 24, 2010
bad commentary rising on episode 03
Thursday, September 23, 2010
ALARIC!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
rumor has it that episode 03, "bad moon rising," will feature our old friend alaric, returned at last to our (my) longing hearts! aren't you excited?

of course, i have a million questions. like where has he been? how is he gonna feel about caroline being a vampire? is he still the history teacher? are he and jenna still going to sometimes-occasionally-maybe make out and/or date? are he and damon still cool? and let's not forget that he and jeremy are now ring twins! (again. with the overly shoutiness. i apologize. it's just that it's ALARIC, people).
why do i love alaric so much?
you know, it's really hard to say. he grew on me so gradually that i barely noticed it. you have to admit though, he is another incredibly attractive cast member. he gets great lines, delivers them with aplomb, and is an all-around great plot device.
just please don't tell me that this means isobel is also returning. because i could not handle that right now.
well -- soon we shall find out!
Monday, September 20, 2010
episode 02 -- in which everyone gets to say clever things
so the episode opens with caroline being all zany in the hospital and dramatically having her first taste of human blood. (from a blood bag, people, not an actual human. they wait til after the commercial break for that -- this is a classy show). then we're taken to yet another mystic falls (high school) carnival. i'm not even joking. they didn't put any effort into this one. there's no theme whatsoever, just the high school administration once again letting their student body run amok. ever since tanner was killed and alaric vanished, i'm not convinced anyone actually goes to class at all. high school is just a ruse for all the extracurricular activities.
while setting up the carnival, bonnie and elena chat about the usual: damon. and all things related to him, whether knowingly or unknowingly because, oh yeah! they don't know caroline's a vampire yet...
"have you talked to damon since he killed jeremy?" (bonnie)
"i'm human. and i have to do human stuff otherwise i'm gonna go crazy." (elena)
"we have to make caroline proud. or she will kill us. i don't know how she does this all the time." (bonnie)
"well, because she's not human. obviously." (elena)
"obviously." (bonnie)
meanwhile, jeremy is having a heart-to-heart with his new favorite salvatore brother, and stefan is totally giving away the goods on how to kill a vampire, from vervain to wood stakes to WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? the good news though is that they are totally spreading around the good lines. no longer dominated by damon, stefan and even jeremy are getting their own zingers, and I find it -- quite frankly -- amazing.
"i was killed by a vampire and brought back by a magic ring. how do you move forward from that?" (jeremy)
"right, well, today we have a nice little distraction courtesy of slave-driver elena. hello, elena!" (stefan)
"yeah, yeah, i set up the goldfish toss, all three hundred goldfish, it's gonna be epic." (jeremy)
speaking of damon, or like damon...whatever...where is our little dark prince? where else? drinking tea with carol lockwood! and probably wanting to killing himself. (too bad he's already undead). now get this...seriously, you are not going to believe this...carol is acting mayor and puts DAMON in charge of the COUNCIL. yes. of alllllll the people on the council, carol has chosen the ONLY VAMPIRE to head up their vampire-killing mission. this is so many shades of bananas, i don't even know where to start. i might even go so far as to say that this is the most ridiculous think that has ever happened on this show. more ridiculous than damon turning vicki into a vampire, more ridiculous than uncle john being elena's father, and yes, more ridiculous than aunt jenna being deaf as a doornail.
while damon is innerly gloating at his apparent victory, he listens to tyler and uncle mason return from a run and proceed to chat in the hallway. again with the more spreading around of great lines:
"i think grandma lockwood actually passed you. in her walker." (mason)
while eavesdropping on tyler's bro-bonding with his uncle, damon obviously becomes suspicious. i mean, there's no way to make what they're saying seem like a normal conversation. not even in the slightest. uncle mason even asks, "is there a pattern? once a month? only at night?" it's so obvious that he's a werewolf it's not even funny. the only thing that could have possibly made the whole thing LESS subtle would have been if mason had grown fur and fangs right there in the front hall. instead, he and tyler take off their shoes because mud + mrs. lockwood = instant death. and even werewolves are not immune to death by mrs. lockwood.
back in the hospital, caroline is continuing her transition from sweet valley high to twilight. my guess is that in twilight though, it would be like jessica becoming a vampire... ANYWAY. end tangent. begin important questioning: how is caroline going to go out in the daylight now? i mean, i know i was just talking about how their whole "being in high school" thing is a pretty elaborate hoax, but my guess is the sheriff is still going to expect her to get up and get on the school bus or whatever, right? caroline is also concerned about this and basically freaks out on matt after he tells her that she's cute.
"the carnival is going to happen without you, caroline. i know it's hard for your neurotic, control-freak personality to process, but bonnie and elena have it." (matt)
"i'm not neurotic." (caroline)
"yeah. you are. but it's cute. so." (matt)
he does it super cutely, too. poor matt. talk about a kid who just cannot catch a break. for goodness sake, his arm is still in a cast from when isobel went all vampire vengeance on him. and now he's dating a vampire. i can't wait for them to have "that" conversation...
at the salvatore residence, we get a taste of the damon quips from the preview:
"aren't you worried one day allllll the forest animals are going to band together and fight back? i mean, surely they talk." (damon)
"i have more important things to do. like explode." (damon)
in addition to damon revealing his new suspicions:
"i think the lockwoods have a family secret." (damon)
(lots of quoting from this episode, i know, but there were just so many good ones. that and i'm still recovering from a whole summer without this weekly does of cleverness). so while damon and stefan "talk" back and forth, sort of arguing without actually arguing, it becomes obvious that there is going to be absolutely no katherine in this episode, but she's still kind of hanging over everything like the sword of damocles. it's so nerve-wracking. they do decide though that damon = lockwood mystery and stefan = katherine mystery. so at least we have a division of labor going on.

back at the hospital, one can't help but wonder why caroline's teeth come in so late -- fully halfway through the episode, i'm not even joking. her transition also appears to be way more painful than anyone else's that we've seen previously. vicki was so calm compared to this! not to mention caroline is the NOISIEST eater in the world. when she digs into that nurse, i was just waiting for half the hospital staff to come running thinking that a rhinoceros had somehow broken into the building, but apparently they're all deaf and/or imaginary, just like everyone else on this show.
in the lockwood house, mason is poking around, clearly looking for something. strangely, he apparently doesn't know where his brother's secret lair is. and when tyler comes upon him being all snoopy, he tries to play it cool, claiming to be looking for an heirloom of little monetary value. what, like a gilbert invention 2.0? uncle mason also casually mentions that he blew through his trust fund when he was 22? how old is he supposed to be? because he still looks 22.
the lockwood men are of course going to the carnival, where the rest of the thirteen people of mystic falls are already partaking of rides and games and team jacob tees (which they apparently ran out of). and since everyone is there, that means damon, too. and jeremy. so of course they have to interact. on the one hand you're like, "why is damon there? this cannot possibly be entertaining for him." and on the other you're like, "really, jeremy? why are you always egging on the evil vampire brother?
"jeremy! it's so good to see you alive!" (damon)
"aren't you a little old for a high school carnival?" (jeremy)
"i'm 150 years too old." (damon)
because he totally pisses damon off and damon never turns down an opportunity to be pissed off, so he rips off jeremy's ring and very comically throws it back at his forehead, where it bounces off in a cartoonish fashion. end fight scene.
even caroline is on her way to the carnival, but not before apologizing to the nurse for sucking her blood. so typically caroline. but still no update on how she's going to deal with the next sunrise, even if she is back in her own house at the end of the night. i guess we can presume it's a friday or something, so maybe she has a day or two to figure it out, but...i am not confident in this lack-of-plan at all.
one of the main attractions of the carnival is apparently the arm-wrestling booth though, where tyler is reigning champion until his uncle mason totally kicks his butt. then damon, who had previously been all stalkerish and lurky, volunteers stefan to arm wrestle uncle mason. this is hilarious. for so many reasons. stefan obviously loses, not wanting to draw attention to himself (duh), but when damon accuses him of having not tried at all, stefan admits that he did and that mason was strong, but in a human way, not a vampire way. he is clearly not taking damon's new obsession nearly as seriously as damon is.
"what is up with that family? they're not vampires, what the hell are they?" (damon)
"oh, maybe they're, uh, ninja turtles." (stefan)
"you're not funny." (damon)
"or no, zombies. werewolves?" (stefan)
"no comedic timing. at all" (damon)
"since this is reality and there's no such thing as werewolves or...combat turtles..." (damon)
"but it's ninja turtle..." (stefan)

what i want to know is why damon finds the idea of werewolves existing so impossible. HE'S A VAMPIRE. bonnie's a witch! caroline's a unicorn! there's no end to insanity in mystic falls, why not werewolves too? although, it is obviously a little strange that the lockwoods have been werewolves all this time (since 1864?) and no one has known or apparently even had an inkling of it, including future werewolves like tyler.
so now some poor guy has to fight tyler.
wait, what? yup. the cute carnie who hit on bonnie is compelled by damon to fight tyler, just to see what happens, hopefully that something being that uncle mason steps in and reveals himself to be...something? something other than a werewolf?
"maybe it's the ambiguously supernatural, mystery uncle." (damon)
after rolling his eyes at stefan's disapproving grunts, damon wanders off and has an "encounter," shall we say, with caroline. why that crazy girl picks a fight with damon, i have no idea. sure, he's a jerk. sure he fed on her and erased her memories, but, come on. caroline's already done that to poor miss nameless nurse! who's she to get all judgmental? also, picking a fight with damon would be low on my list of things to do after becoming a vampire. (trying to turn into a bat would be high on it). and caroline saying "you suck" to damon is the worst. line. ever. BUT. she does deliver katherine's message. so now damon can have no doubt as to how any of this came to be.
"yeah. i need you to come with me right now, elena." (damon)
remember that whole damon = werewolves and stefan = katherine thing? well, for some reason while damon is off collecting elena, stefan ends up having to be the lurky one to see the little experiment through with the carnie and tyler. the carnie is pretty amazingly strong himself and totally holds his own not just against tyler, but even uncle mason. (yes, this is the knife fight of the episode previews. sadly, no knife). but we do learn that werewolves can jump really high! much like vampires! because uncle mason jumps over the carnie's head. which -- really? is that really the wisest use of werewolf powers? i'm not convinced. and neither is tyler, who would have to be a half-wit to not be suspicious of his uncle's little tricks.
meanwhile, in an empty classroom (where all such discussions take place), damon tells elena and stefan about caroline's new vampiredom. man, i hope we don't tell jeremy because that kid is gonna be pissed that stupid CAROLINE got to become a vampire before him. but anyway. the three of them ask themselves the same question we're all asking ourselves: why caroline? and why on earth did katherine leave her little message and then peace out of town? is she just watching the drama unfold from afar? she's gonna be back, right? but when? -- okay, these are actually all my questions, but the suspense is killing me. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS. she clearly does not just want caroline to be a vampire. that would be like having a magic lamp with three wishes and wasting one on a pretzel dog. pretzel dogs are delicious, yes, but you don't waste a wish on that!
so let's go back to the classroom discussion:
"caroline of all people will not make it as a vampire. her mother's a vampire hunter! guys, come on. we all know how the story ends, so just flip to the last chapter--" (damon)
"your silence is deafening, stefan." (damon)
i love that damon reminds everyone that there was school carnival the night stefan staked vicki, although, to be fair, i don't think that was a carnival, i think it was just a halloween bash...? dance...? on second thought, maybe it was a carnival. regardless, this is case and point that at least 40% of these episodes take place at festivities of some kind. who knew mystic falls was such a party town?
back to the subject of their conversation, caroline is acting all weird with matt, who, bless his heart, just looks hurt 90% of this episode. after she almost bites matt, she runs away, only to come upon the carnie with the bloody nose. and again with the sound effects and the messy eating. so. gross. but talk about a rough night for that guy! first having to fight two werewolves and then eaten by a vampire!
a vampire that damon is taking upon himself to kill. yes, with a tent stake.
but before we get into that, we get to have two pity parties, one with stefan and elena -- both of whom are convinced katherine is doing "this" to them. look, i don't give a rat's tail who she's doing it TO, i just want to know WHY! then, uncle mason tries to tell tyler that he took brazilian martial arts and that's how he learned how to jump over six-foot tall men. really? and let me guess, jenna was at the fire department filling out paperwork again, right? tyler and i are so unconvinced we both storm off in a huff. well, actually only tyler. i have to finish blogging this stupid episode.
so back to caroline!
"what's wrong with me?"
really, caroline? YOU'RE A VAMPIRE. THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU. damon's at least being nice before he kills her. her begging for her life is totally lame though. anyway, of course she's not going to die. stefan and elena appear just in the nick of time. man, i bet elena did not think she was almost going to get staked tonight. would have served her right though.
"whatever happens...it's on you." (damon)
damon goes to get a shovel to bury the carnie while bonnie shows up and realizes that caroline is a vampire. this is probably not going to help her with her hatred of vampires schtick.
"don't pout about it. we got a body to bury." (damon)
then bonnie has a freak out when damon returns. dude. can't that girl keep her cool under any circumstance? apparently not. not that elena is very helpful in this situation either. she just sort of hangs around silently while bonnie incorrectly blames damon for everything that's happening, including caroline being a vampire. not only that, she just stands there stupidly as bonnie lights damon on fire with her whore magic. ugh. elena. so useless. and where are the other nine people who live in this town? they don't hear damon screaming in agony and fire? no one is concerned about this?
apparently not.
and how does this all end? elena hugs bonnie.
DON'T HUG BONNIE! SHE'S A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING AND AN EVIL WITCH!
so while that drama is going down, stefan is cleaning up caroline in the bathroom and it is about the sweetest thing i've ever seen. why is he so wonderful? and i love that he's like...going to teach caroline how to be a good vampire, or something. like the karate kid. and he's mr. miyagi. a vampire mr. miyagi. only then he goes and promises caroline that he's going to make sure nothing happens to her. only you shouldn't make promises you might not be able to keep, stefan. NOW WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO HER?!
i'm guessing stefan sends caroline home and then finds elena who is all whorey complainerstein about how nothing in her life is normal. no. it's not. but when you have the hottest boyfriend in the world, sometimes you have to make trade-offs. that's no reason to cry about it, and certainly no reason to NOT kiss said super hot boyfriend.
as the lockwoods are turning in for the night, tyler now hates(?) his uncle. his dad apparently showed him where the secret safe is, not to the mention the combination to it, so i guess he wasn't a total failure as a father...? in this safe we find some papers binder-clipped together and the moonstone uncle mason is looking for.

switch to the salvatore residence and damon badly needing a drink. at this point in the episode, i also badly need a drink.
"you don't lock your front door." (jeremy)
"yeah." (damon. goes to take a drink)
"no -- i wouldn't. i laced it with vervain." (jeremy)
"now why would you do that?" (damon)
"so i could stake you. with this." (jeremy throws sharpened table leg on the floor)
so melodramatic.
"you came here to kill me?" (damon)
"it's only fair. you killed me first." (jeremy)
seriously, jeremy is so ridiculous. he then proceeds to ask damon's advice on what to do with his life...?
"i don't do the big brother thing very well. sorry i don't have any milk and cookies to offer you." (damon)
"dick." (jeremy)
well what did you expect?! it's damon! HE KILLED YOU! and will probably do it again before this season is over if i know damon at all. but for now, damon is able to get a grip and admits that his own father hated vampires too, just like jeremy's father and uncle.
"only it was 1864. people knew how to whittle." (damon)
bah-dum-CHING!
at the forbes residence, caroline's lying in bed, probably wondering what she's going to do in the morning, you know, when the sun comes up. (i, too, would very much like to know the answer to that question). then matt crawls in through her window.
"i came to see if today's basket-case period had expired." (matt)
she tries to get him to leave, but he confesses that he's in love with her. oh, matt...bad timing, my friend. but maybe caroline's going to be okay after all because she manages to both kiss and hug him without sinking her fangs into his adorable little neck. you know what this means, right?
we have not dodged the her-and-matt relationship bullet AT. ALL.
so while all of that is very ooey-gooey romantic, the producers have to one up themselves on the ending, wherein stefan wakes elena with a kiss, tells her it's almost "dawn" and asks her to come with him to the deserted carnival grounds.
"well, i compelled the guard to go on break. so i can kiss my girlfriend on top of the ferris wheel."
oh god. hold up while i go choke on my own vomit. (but not really, that's gross. i hate vomit).
stefan then proceeds to not so much "jump" as "fly" them to the top buggy where they laugh together and kiss and wonder what else is going to happen. because if katherine turning caroline into a vampire is just the beginning, then this season is going to be a shitstorm. no joke.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
a riddle wrapped in a mystery
does uncle john know so much because he's read all of jonathan gilbert's journals? or at least most of them? surely it can't be as simple as that.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
questions ahead of episode 19
1. is elena a gilbert after all?
2. did uncle john know that isobel was somehow a pierce?
3. wait, is isobel a pierce?
4. where is that whore anyway?
5. how does uncle john know so much?
6. dude, is anyone ever going to tell jeremy anything, ever?
7. and for that matter, at what age do any of the children of the council members get to be inducted into their incompetent society?
8. are all the fells dead now? (i wonder this every once in a while).
9. did sheriff forbes keep her last name when she got married? will caroline have to do the same? is that like...another weird founding family thing?
10. is caroline going to become a vampire? (WHAT WAS UP WITH THE PREVIEW)?!?!?!
11. is damon going to succeed in seducing elena? (OMG PLEEZNOOOOOOOOOOOOO).
12. and for the LOVE of ALL that is HOLY, how did stefan and damon die in 1864?
what is this? lord of the rings?
if you're anything like me, you've been doing some serious pondering about rings lately. especially platinum rings with princess cut diamonds...which you are unlikely to receive. ever. because you blog about a cw television show... oh wait, did i say that outloud?
allow me, in my insanity, to break down for you what we know (and some of what we don't) about rings:
1. damon and stefan have rings. (duh).
a. the rings allow them to go out in sunlight.
i. katherine, pearl, anna, and possibly some of the other vampires apparently can also go in the sunlight. but is it because of rings? we have already been told that emily's magic is involved in this phenomenon because katherine says in episode 13 ("children of the damned") that "...thanks to emily we walk in the daylight."
ii. how was this knowledge not passed to the council? (besides that they are just generally incompetent)? in episode 8 ("162 candles"), the sheriff forbes suggests, "maybe we have to rethink what we know about vampires. maybe they can now move around during the day." interesting suggestion, sheriff, but shouldn't you already know this thanks to pearl and katherine walking around town all normal in 1864 and then being discovered as vampires and burned in the church to begin with?
b. emily is not burned in the church, but is presumably persecuted otherwise since she makes damon promise to protect her family, which he also presumably does (episode 9, "history repeating"). so emily is technically around after the vampires in the church and presumably she is the one who makes damon and stefan their rings. (technically we don't know this, but i think it's a reasonable conclusion).
2) alaric and uncle john have rings. (so much duh).
a. alaric's ring was john's, but john gave his to isobel who then gave it to alaric. john now has grayson's ring.
i. at some point one or more gilbert must have come into possession of two rings with "powers."
ii. the "powers" of the rings are, as of yet, generally undefined. they will bring you back from death, at least most of the time. since grayson died drowning in the car accident, does that mean drowning is an exception, or that grayson just wasn't wearing his ring? (dude, why would you ever not wear a ring that can prevent you from dying)?
iii. there is a superstition that water dilutes magic. perhaps there is something of that at play here?
b. let us hypothesize that emily created more than the two rings for stefan and damon (and any other rings or jewelry for the other vampires). would she have made something for a gilbert? especially given jonathan gilbert's superstition and fear that she would haunt him (episode 13, "children of the damned)? why would a gilbert even have gone to her to ask? given these circumstances, it seems unlikely that emily is the one who made the gilbert rings.
i. UNLESS these rings were, in fact, made for someone else, perhaps other vampires, but the powers of the rings manifest differently when worn by non-vampires, a.k.a. humans.
c. the powers of the gilbert rings transfer regardless of owner (see 2a. above).
i. the powers of the salvatore rings do not transfer? in episode 10 ("the turning point") stefan tells logan fell that he cannot walk in the daylight, but does that mean simply because he does not have a ring, or that even if he had stefan's ring, it would not deliver the same benefits?