preview: episode 04, “memory lane”

okay, so katherine and elena are finally going to meet and hang out. all right then. that should be…terrible. it’s a little hard to tell exactly what terrible things are going to happen, but judging from the random flashes of period clothing and a lot of running, my guess is that it’s going to be pretty bad. but damon, apparently, still not giving up on winning elena! so that should be fun! and by fun i mean painful.

      “so this is where you spend your time when you’re not stabbing people in the back…” (damon)

…mm…my guess is silver is not going to help this situation at all, is it?

and the daily damon:

      “i’m hoping this peach cobbler will pave the way.” (damon)

oh damon. peach cobbler will pave your way to many a destination. trust me.

preview: episode 03, "bad moon rising"

all right. who named this episode? really?

and as for tyler's question about what happens after dark, apparently uncle mason chains himself to some rocks in a cave! and then kills caroline! (yeah right, we couldn't be so lucky)...

what i really want to know is who they're talking to on the couch. who is this expert on the supernatural? where did they scrounge up him/her? is it maybe ALARIC?! oh please, oh please! (i should probably just give up hope on that, shouldn't i)?

and for your daily damon:

      "i've been on this planet for 161 years and i've never come across one. if werewolves exist, where the hell are they?" (damon)

preview: episode 02, "brave new world"

NOTE: not a reference to the huxley novel.

...or is it?

so let me get this straight. caroline is a vampire. and goes crazy. and starts eating people at the carnival. (there sure are a lot of "festivals" and "parades" and "carnivals" and stuff in mystic falls, a town with a whopping thirteen people. possibly only twelve since i haven't seen alaric yet). (haters).

and then uncle mason gets in a knife fight* in the parking lot and tyler's all, "DUDE! YOUR EYES!"

and then damon is going to kill caroline. which, by the way, doesn't necessarily seem like the right solution to this problem, exactly...

and then bonnie lights stuff on fire. again. whorishly.

did i miss anything? this episode sounds great.

and lest i leave you totally bummed out, internet, please accept this peace offering -- your daily damon:

      "aren't you worried one day allllll the forest animals are going to band together and fight back? i mean, surely they talk." (damon)

      "i have more important things to do. like explode." (damon)





* there may or may not be a knife involved in this fight.

the cw: still in the stone age

that’s right, internet. the cw will still not let me watch stefan and damon online until sunday. for the love of all that is holy…seriously? and to make matters worse, warner brothers has decided that they have nothing else better to do than troll around youtube deleting videos from the season premiere as fast as tvd (that’s “the vampire diaries” for those of you not following) fans can post them. i get it. your copyright. or whatever. but then give me an alternative for chrissake! i promise you, cw. i would pay $5 every week to watch an episode online if you posted it immediately after airing. $5! why do you hate my money?!

also, do not be fooled by their attempt at a web re-design. it is still impossible to navigate the site. and don't even get me started on how they never posted early episodes from the first season online for me to watch and blog over the summer. haters!

the only good thing to come out of all this is that now i have nothing to do, so i can opine about the upcoming season. obviously i watched their teaser for ‘the year of the kat.’ you kind of have to admire anyone with the balls to be like, “you know what? let's just let Katherine hang around and see what happens. it'll be fine.” riiiiiiiight. i'm sure it’s gonna be soooooo fine. fine like uncle john getting stabbed in the kitchen fine? (i maintain that he had it coming, i'm just pointing out that getting stabbed in the stomach does not equal fine). maybe fine like damon thinking he made out with elena fine? i think i know what to get the producers for christmas: a dictionary.

also, come on. ‘the return’? way to steal the title of my blog post. i mean, i get it. i do. i see what you did there, you clever little writers, you. but wouldn’t ‘blood and death’ have been more straightforward? (oh wait, i forgot, that was the name of the season finale. my bad). how about ‘sex, blood and death’ then? maybe ‘everything is going to be terrible from now on’? the only way this work is if the producers are actually hipsters and this season’s theme is irony and so they’re going to have the season 2 finale named ‘the end.’ i could be into that. i guess. but only in a skinny-jeans-wearing, fake-appreciation-for-andy-warhol kind of way.

have i lost you yet, internet? i blame it on the processed cheese.

back on topic!

thoughts on this season. we’re looking at your classic attempt to appease tvd fans by letting us have damon making out with elena without it actually being elena. the best of both worlds. -- at least, if you’re nina dobrev.

katherine is also going to make things exciting. that's another given. what's not given is how exactly we’re going to explain any of this. oh, some girl showed up who looks so much like elena that you cannot actually distinguish between the two of them? i'm sure it’s “fine.” wait, everyone is dying? you know, this town is pretty dull outside of founder’s day anyway.

…i am being sarcastic.

i am, however, interested in how we’re going to explain this. and also how we’re going to justify the fact that clearly katherine is not going to kill everyone, including, apparently, elena. although, if you were her, after uncle john wouldn’t elena be the first one you would turn on next? just get it over with, right? that whole “ask forgiveness not permission” mentality. but instead, we’re to believe that katherine has a nice little chat, maybe even a cup of tea with elena and allows her to call an ambulance for uncle john, meanwhile, aunt jenna has taken some hardcore prescription medication because HOW IS SHE NOT AWARE OF HOW MUCH IS HAPPENING IN HER OWN HOUSE? and speaking of prescription medication, you have jeremy upstairs on the verge of vampiredom. so that’s fun.

moving on to other things i can’t wait for them to try to explain away: damon still falling into katherine’s clutches? really? after wanting/thinking he made out with elena? after he got all emo on jeremy? we're really supposed to believe that there’s just a snap of the fingers and he’s all 1864 again? i was not born yesterday.


that's all i have in me for now. plenty more to come, of course. like where’s alaric, people? and is tyler ever going to turn into a werewolf or is that sub-plot just a giant cock-tease? will matt and caroline’s relationship continue to annoy everyone? how much more of a whore can bonnie be? and the most important question of all: what new uses can we find for the civil war costumes?

but for now i think i'm going to watch “the other boleyn girl.” why? because it’s here. and paul wesley is not. cue sad music…

preview: episode 22, "founder's day" (SEASON FINALE)

"i'm here to eat cotton candy and steal your girl." (damon) nice, damon, real subtle.

they are really milking the costumes. it's like the producers were like, 'listen up. we spent a fortune on this civil war era clothing. we need to think of some other ways we can use it.'

i'm glad anna and damon are on the same team in this situation. whatever this situation is exactly. (it looks terrible)

"we might need a stake or two." (damon) really? just one or two?

there is so much going on in this preview. as there is in every preview, i guess.

ugh. damon. really? with the blatant flirtation? has it really reached this point already?

YES! and the eye thing he does! thank you, elena. you are more observant than you usually appear.

aw. "don't make me regret being your friend" (elena). aw. harsh. aw. damon. aw.

"i have so many emotions, but i don't have any way to express them. being a teenager's so hard." (damon) lol.

stefan. stepping in. as always. can we all agree that we love stefan? yes?

man. i can't wait to see how this goes down next week. how can we possibly have any time for this kind of petty drama and witty exchanges when EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE?

(can someone please assure me that not everyone is going to die in the season finale? please)?

preview: episode 21, "isobel"

is isobel crazy?

damon. do you really want to make the same mistake twice? or three times? don't sleep with elena's vampire mother.

bonnie. still a whore.

they're making a float? that's a terrible idea.

if you can't talk about it, bonnie, maybe you should get better at faking it.

"what's with all the furrowed brows?" (damon)

"did words completely escape you?" (damon)

damon. stop being all concernicus!

OHGOD. MY HEART IS MELTING.

i know no one cares, but i am in severe danger of dying before next week's episode. dying. of. suspense.

preview: episode 20, "blood brothers"

ONLY TWO MORE EPISODES LEFT. OMGIMGOINGTODIE.

whaaaaaa?

so what? stefan has always gone insane when he's had human blood? what is that supposed to mean?

my worst fears about stefan's darker-than-dark past are about to be realized. much to my chagrin.

YES. WE'RE FINALLY GOING TO FIND OUT HOW STEFAN AND DAMON DIED. (maybe). (probably not).

ugh. more burgeoning damon-elena relationshipness. am i the only one who sees the nanosecond flash of elena taking the shirt off of someone who looks suspiciously like damon?