preview: episode 22, "founder's day" (SEASON FINALE)

"i'm here to eat cotton candy and steal your girl." (damon) nice, damon, real subtle.

they are really milking the costumes. it's like the producers were like, 'listen up. we spent a fortune on this civil war era clothing. we need to think of some other ways we can use it.'

i'm glad anna and damon are on the same team in this situation. whatever this situation is exactly. (it looks terrible)

"we might need a stake or two." (damon) really? just one or two?

there is so much going on in this preview. as there is in every preview, i guess.

ugh. damon. really? with the blatant flirtation? has it really reached this point already?

YES! and the eye thing he does! thank you, elena. you are more observant than you usually appear.

aw. "don't make me regret being your friend" (elena). aw. harsh. aw. damon. aw.

"i have so many emotions, but i don't have any way to express them. being a teenager's so hard." (damon) lol.

stefan. stepping in. as always. can we all agree that we love stefan? yes?

man. i can't wait to see how this goes down next week. how can we possibly have any time for this kind of petty drama and witty exchanges when EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE?

(can someone please assure me that not everyone is going to die in the season finale? please)?

live watching episode 21, "isobel"

WHY did isobel want this though? it's so weird.

what is she writing on that napkin?

you tell that whore, ric!

ah, the familiar scene. walking to the car. approached by a vampire. never ends well...

why start with the history students? does he actually like any of those punks anyway?

oh. and the napkin. wtf.

"i hate myself!" (damon)

do we really need to go through the whole cute conversation and witty banter thing? i get it. i really do.

oh, classic. recreating the battle of willow creek. brilliant. like i didn't see THAT one coming from a mile away.

"don't screw up." (alaric) someone's feeling bossy and on edge today.

floats in general are kind of a terrible idea, aren't they?

yup. bonnie. still a whore.

"sorry i'm late. dog ate my, uh...nevermind." (damon)

man, everyone is so doom and gloom in this scene.

"what's with all the furrowed brows?" (damon)

hahaha, who chose this music for uncle john to enter to? hilarious.

this is not what i was expecting john to walk into...

"i can smell the judgment coming off of you." (isobel)

the only good thing isobel has done so far is slap john.

"did words completely escape you?" (damon)

damon makes this face when he looks at elena sometimes, and it is SO. PAINFUL. there isn't even any subtlety about his feelings for her anymore.

meeting your vampire mom sounds like a terrible idea.

melting into a puddle at stefan mouthing the words "i love you."

i feel like isobel tries so hard to keep it together. as if every second takes so much control. which. i guess. maybe it does. who knows.


***unrelated note: uh...this 'one tree hill' commercial looks INTENSE!***


isobel met katherine? whaaaa?

katherine helped her update it? whaaaa?

"why stefan? why didn't you go for damon?" (isobel) -- that would be a good question if damon wasn't a dick all the time.

"i'm not gonna kill her in a crowded restaurant." (damon) damon says that as if it's completely out of the question. as if he hasn't done that before. (episode 11, "bloodlines")

possibly the nicest thing anyone has ever said about damon: "you're and dick and you kill people, but I still see something human in you." (alaric)

"he wants to feel every episode of 'how i met your mother.'" (damon)

being a vampire sounds weird the way damon describes it. except for maybe frederic, i don't feel like any of the other vampires we've met so far fit that description. as in, none of them have totally turned off their emotions/humanity/whatever.

john had a crush on me for years = uncle john is elena's father, right?

i'm kind of glad we're finally broaching the subject of elena's mortality. this has to become an issue eventually and so far we haven't talked about it AT ALL. (unless you count episode 13, "children of the damned" when damon makes elena drink his blood, blah-blah-drama-ensues).

lamest line of the episode? "then the blood will be on your hands." (isobel) that is so melodramatic.

i hate the way elena looks when she's upset. but not as much as i hate bonnie as a person right now. dude, who just walks away like that?

aunt jenna's so cute sometimes. she hasn't had enough screen time lately. uncle john, on the other hand. so. awkward.

"no one else in this house likes me." (uncle john) ya think?

"hope i'm wearing my good underwear." (damon)

what. is. going. on.

so damon didn't just turn her, he like, taught her things. why?

how on earth is katherine involved in any of this? hasn't that whore been gone from mystic falls for 150 years?

um. weird? making out?

"you do not come into my town and threaten people i care about." (damon) melting.

"i do believe in killing the messenger. you know why? because it sends a message." (damon)

"katherine wants something from me? you tell that little bitch to come get it herself." (damon) (sorry. i really don't mean to quote him so much. they just give him all the best lines).

oh. bonnie. whore.

so what? are they all made up now? i don't understand what this hug means.

i've never seen matt act so not-nice before! seriously? he and tyler aren't going to make up? man. i never thought i'd feel bad for tyler! and i never thought matt would ever make me want to not throw up in my mouth!

apparently that hug did mean they're made up. well. that's nice.

WHAT.

well. i guess we just learned the answer to every question we ever had about anything ever. rings. the invention. weird. i feel really weird right now.

jeremy. now is not the time for this.

oh, isobel, this is TOTALLY not the time.

bonnie is not the best friend! she is demoted to whore friend!

"his name's frank. he's very handsome." (isobel)

OH NO! MATT!

tyler, are you going to exhibit some superhuman strength right now as part of your obvious werewolf heritage?

no. apparently not. stefan is going to jump in and save the day as per usual. although why does he comfort matt while caroline calls an ambulance? shouldn't it be the other way around?

that's right. caroline! takin' charge!

john and isobel's interactions are so bizarre and definitely awkward. also, what is the point of bringing all these threads together? why does isobel want john to see jeremy and vice versa? we get it. everyone knows everything.

"i'll kill him to prove you wrong." (isobel)

apparently that was french for, "hit him in the face with a candlestick."

oh no! not the ring! whore is not a strong enough word for this woman!

why is bonnie in on this conversation? i thought she hated stefan for no reason.

"i like being a living dead person." (damon)

this is kind of a fun exchange.

"it's not piano lessons, honey." (damon)

aw, call of the wild. i love damon a little bit more.

"i don't trust you. i tried to kill you." (damon)

stefan is totally not stupid about this. he gets it. with the eyes. and the oogling.

really? with the touching of the fingers? does this have to go down like that?

apparently jeremy has the freedom to get a damp washcloth for his uncle. that makes no sense.

a very astute question, jeremy. why WOULD a vampire want to kill other vampires? also, there are not that many tomb vampires left. by my calculation, there were 27 in the tomb, minus pearl, harper, frederic, henry, frederic's friends...let's be generous and say that damon and alaric only took out eight of them...that only leaves 15. we care this much about 15 lousy vampires?

that's right, jeremy! don't believe that! you know better. don't make jonathan gilbert's mistake.

apparently grayson gilbert is a million years older than his younger brother john. has anyone else been thinking about this?

this is all very dramatic. and then she's just like, "i'm done"?

damon seems very mopey about this plan.

i love that. "do you really think that i came alone?" (elena)

so now jeremy's in on it. but not really. because no one tells him anything. still. after all this. ugh. and i hate the bonding look between him and uncle john.

i would never look for any redeeming qualities in you, isobel.

man. isobel just loves to stir up the drama, doesn't she? first with jeremy and uncle john, now with elena and damon and stefan.

poor stefan.

"as long as you have a salvatore on each arm, you're doomed." (isobel) seriously. with the melodrama. but now that you mention it, is that true?

stefan comforting elena is one of my favorite types of scenes in this show.

poor damon. gah. how is it possible to feel bad for almost everyone in this episode?

on second thought, i'm pretty impressed with jeremy's ability to not let people explain anything to him.

what is your deal, isobel? what's with all the dramatics all the time, everywhere?

no, alaric! not the RING!

okay. why did you want/need it? and why are you going to regret it forever? ugh, you're so confusing.

also, is jeremy ever going to get one of these rings? and when he does, which one will he get? ditto for elena. technically one belongs to each of them.

where has anna been all this time if, as she noted, she has nowhere to go? it's been days, what has she been doing? also, she can't just stay there indefinitely. can she? i mean, maybe. i guess. jenna is weirdly flexible like that.

wow. what an uncomfortable conversation we're having in the library. where all uncomfortable conversations happen on this show.

damon, stop being so flippant. you know you care about stefan. as much as you don't want to.

and for the love of all that is holy, why do you even want elena? she. is. stefan's.

"am i the only one around here who has the ability to put two and two together?" (damon)

"i mean, go on. think about it. i'll wait." "ding ding ding ding!" (damon)

"that's a paternity test for john, elena and maury povich to deal with." (damon) lol.

damon. you kill every tender moment. just kill it. dead.

john is definitely going to screw this up, right? i mean. he's uncle john. he pretty much screws up everything.

WHAT. why does she want the tomb vampires dead? and why are we adding stefan and damon to the list? and why were they not originally on the list? and what, what, WHAT?

oh. another question answered. positive affirmation that elena's john and isobel's daughter. thanks.

bonnie. what. a. whore. i would like to reiterate my threat from episode 17 ("let the right one in") which is if anyone hurts stefan, i will kill them. and in this case, that means bonnie. so. sorry, bonnie. now you have to die.

OF COURSE SHE IS NOT GOING TO FORGIVE YOU! AND NEITHER AM I!

at no point do stefan and damon cut their palms and swear an oath of any kind

internet, do we know know each other well enough for me to make a confession? (too bad. doing it anyway)

episode 20 ("blood brothers") might be my favorite episode of all time.

so it's no surprise to discover that this was a kevin williamson and julie plec episode. you may recall mr. williamson and ms. plec from such great episodes as "lost girls" (episode 6) and "children of the damned" (episode 13). following in that tradition, "blood brothers" was equally CHOCK FULL OF AWESOME. i mean, this episode has it all: flashbacks with period costumes, long-awaited answers to key questions, dark secrets revealed, making out...WHAT ELSE IS THERE IN LIFE?

exactly.

so allow me to break down some of the major points of this episode.

1. how did stefan and damon die in 1864?

so in the strangest twists of strange twists (is that a thing?) it turns out that stefan and damon were shot by their father, guiseppe, for the lame reason of "siding with the vampires." well, sorry, dad. that's what you get for letting one live in your house while there's a civil war going on...? seriously, who kills their own sons?

add to this twist the fact that stefan and damon, despite being suddenly killed, still turn into vampires. well, i guess that's what happens when you've been drinking vampire blood for weeks! (NOTE: the vampire rules on this show are that you become a vampire by dying with vampire blood in your circulatory system and then feeding on human blood). (i don't make the rules, i just report them).

damon of course was hittin' the vamp blood willingly, but stefan apparently had to be compelled into doing it. (this was katherine's blood, obvi). now, if you're wondering how this process completed itself, you'll be super-psyched to find out that stefan basically ate his dad.

true. story.

i guess that's kind of alarming, but when you take into account the fact that THE MAN SHOT HIS OWN SONS and the fact that when you're a vampire around fresh blood there's not all that much you can do about it...well...basically i love stefan anyway. (it's the eyebrows. i'm a sucker for the brooding eyebrows). (shut up).

but the story doesn't end there. considerate gentleman that he is, stefan brings back a snack for damon! some 1864 whore! and convinces him to feed on her so that he, too, can complete the transition to vampiredom.

wait, why wouldn't he want to complete the transition? well, as it turns out, stefan and damon didn't actually want to become vampires once they thought katherine was dead. (burned in the church if you will recall). they were going to let themselves die without completing the final step of drinking human blood.

so much for that plan. but at least now we know!

(oh, and emily had made them the rings in advance in preparation for katherine's obvious plan to turn them eventually).

2. pearl is dead.

sorry to spring that on you like that, but this blog tells it to you straight. NO CHASER. and worst of all? uncle john is the one who killed her!

john still wants the invention pearl stole from jonathan gilbert (you know, the one she gave to damon in the last episode) and actually asks pearl for it outright. yeah. like that plan was ever going to work. pearl tells him to go blow himself (i paraphrase, of course) and for some reason decides to add that she gave it to damon anyway.

great! now uncle john knows where the device is and has proven his ability to kill vampires. terrible.

related. (or unrelated, depending on how you look at it). uncle john also kills harper. uh...seriously? you bet! why? you know, because he was there.

i'm kind of super upset by this. i don't know why. maybe because harper stood up to frederic and was against torturing stefan in episode 17 ("let the right one in"). that made him okay in my book. it seems like such a waste to just kill him, just like we killed uncle zach for no reason in episode 5 ("you're undead to me").

3. uncle john is in league with more vampires than we could have ever imagined

of course, we have no idea why yet, but as damon and alaric's little "errand" adventure showed in this episode, john is in it deep. with isobel, with the gang from the tomb, with pretty much everyone, it seems.

now. if only we knew WHY.

4. elena still loves stefan!

this is basically the only reason to rejoice in this episode. otherwise there's a lot of dying and uncle john and general terribleness. but good ole elena comes through for us in her semi-endearing-but-still-a-little-annoying way. not only does she get both stefan and damon to spill the beans on how they died and became vampires, she saves stefan from foolishly trying to kill himself.

confession? sometimes stefan really does brood too much.

anyway, they're both alive and judging from the previews for next week's episode, still making out! all is right in mystic falls once again.

5. or at least they would be except now isobel is here.

yeah. you know what this show has taught me? never try to predict anything that's going to happen on it. because nothing i think of will be even half as crazy as what they actually decide to do.

get your answers here

i received an inquiry from a fellow vampire addict about the vampire rules on this show. if there's one thing that 'twilight' and 'true blood' and whatever other vampire stuff i don't even know about has taught us, it's that the vampire rules are not reliable. everyone has taken the liberty of modifying them as they see fit. so today's question is:

Q:   can vampires have babies on this show?

no. sorry. i know, but them's the rules. in episode 11 ("bloodlines") damon tells elena, with a characteristic waggle of his eyebrows, that vampires can't procreate, but they "love to try."

preview: episode 21, "isobel"

is isobel crazy?

damon. do you really want to make the same mistake twice? or three times? don't sleep with elena's vampire mother.

bonnie. still a whore.

they're making a float? that's a terrible idea.

if you can't talk about it, bonnie, maybe you should get better at faking it.

"what's with all the furrowed brows?" (damon)

"did words completely escape you?" (damon)

damon. stop being all concernicus!

OHGOD. MY HEART IS MELTING.

i know no one cares, but i am in severe danger of dying before next week's episode. dying. of. suspense.

live watching episode 20, "blood brothers"

flashbacks, holla.

okay, both salvatore brothers are still alive. we don't have much time, people. are they going to die, or what?

how is it that katherine is so incapacitated by the vervain? i don't remember damon being nearly such a baby, and frederic woke up from the tranquilizer dart within two minutes. why is katherine still IMMOBILE?

well. that answers the question about death.

stefan really loves damon. weird as that is.

wait, did katherine actually say that she loved stefan, or is that just the vervain talking/confusing the past and present? is it possible that maybe she did? that might explain some things...

don't take that off.

ew, she compelled him to drink her blood? meanwhile, damon...so messed up.

so exactly who was the last one to see katherine alive? damon or stefan? we discussed this in episode 9 ("history repeating"), but i'm not totally clear on the answer at this point. (don't worry though. i will investigate this in the coming vampire-less weeks).

how is damon so sure that little knick-knack doesn't work if he doesn't even know what it is?!

jonathan gilbert..."crazy scientist."

don't make that face, damon. don't make that, 'i like you so much' face.

wow. speaking of 'i like you so much,' anna likes jeremy a lot, lot, lot.

"100% stefan diet approved." (damon)

how do they get the animal blood into a plastic bottle? (do i even want to know)?

alaric and damon, possibly the best combination ever:"i'm not going with you, you tried to kill me." (damon) "well, you did kill me." (alaric)

"extra broody." (damon)

uncle. john. seriously. and anna think's she's lurky?

OH SNAP. whatchu gonna say to THAT, uncle john?

"extra broody" was kind of an understatement.

ohgod. so much subtlety in every interaction between damon and elena. it drives me crazy. i get it, writers. i get it.

if there's one thing pearl is not, it's stupid, that's for sure.

"my gilbert charm"? are you joking? uncle john is such a sleezebag. how is pearl still sitting there? get up and walk away, whore!

oh, jeremy. i, too, wonder if jonathan gilbert's journals are how uncle john knows everything, but that can't possibly be it.

hahaha, "i don't want jenna to walk in us." no kidding.

"short-term rentals and hotels are a gray area. you kind of have to play it by ear." (damon)

hahaha, "i know you." awesome. just what we need. someone else damon knows.

what is stefan doing wandering around at night in 1864?

as record keeper for the council, apparently jonathan gilbert did not write down everything, leaving future generations of the council to wallow in their own stupidity and incompetence.

does anyone else find elena's nonchalance unconvincing and borderline annoying?

what? after all that, you're just gonna sit down?

match.com? that is amazing.

it is so sad if john is your only real friend.

WHAT? henry seemed like such a good person! (even if he was friends with john)!

“let’s not kill anyone tonight. your words. just pointing that out.” (damon)

on the one hand, i really wish damon would have talked to uncle john. just to hear that hilarious exchange. but on the other, it was probably the right thing not to answer. we need to keep this whole killing henry on the DL. if you know what i mean.

okay, obviously the device DOES work, otherwise john wouldn't want it. why is everyone being so stupid?

uncle john. you are a liar AND A HALF. that is obviously false. jonathan gilbert loved pearl and you are a dick.

seriously, stefan? should you really be talking to your father right now? does anyone think this is going to end well?

this explains why no one knows that damon and stefan are vampires, i guess.

guiseppe killed his own sons? what a jerk! (understatement of the year award).

OH NO! oh, no wonder! i never could have imagined it would be this terrible! OHMYGOSH.

p.s. please don’t feed on your dad? Uh…

honestly, i'm not really sure how elena can look at stefan right now. that is horrifying.

dude…dude? seriously? with the bonding? this is hilarious.

alaric. the idea that you could be 'done' with 'all of this' is ludicrous. do you know where you live? do you know who you roll with? you are baring your soul to a vampire.

how many times are pearl and anna going to have this discussion?

"although i think i witnessed the teacher having an existential crisis." (damon)

the rest of the story? DUDE, HE ATE HIS FATHER. WHAT MORE IS THERE?

OHMYGOD. can this get any more ridiculous? “i brought her for you.” (stefan). that’s nice, dear.

this is all so confusing and hurtful... i don’t know how to feel... i'm not sure whether to be touched by how much stefan wants to save his brother, even if saving him means making him a vampire for all eternity...?

stefan is the most emo vampire in the world. anyone who rags on 'twilight' has no idea what goes on with the 'vampire diaries.'

that's the most touching thing i've seen this episode re: anna and jeremy.

damon. you. suck.

i wonder what emily thinks about damon's heart.

elena, where could you possibly be going with this?

this is super intense.

doesn't part of you think he should throw it in the quarry just to teach her a lesson? no? just me?

i think my heart is actually breaking. wtf.

why did pearl save harper?

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? after that tender moment, we’re just going to KILL PEARL? THIS IS BANANAS.

damon, you better figure out what that thing does because now uncle john knows you have it.

"witches. judgey little things." (damon)

"you feel guilt?" (stefan) "if i wanted to. it's there." (damon)

seriously, damon? that's what this is still about, 146 years later? you hate that katherine turned stefan too? what is the statute of limitations on GETTING OVER IT?

so wait, DID katherine love stefan?

uncle john. i knew it. you suck.

THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS IN THE WORLD.

according to the wikipedia list of 'vampire diaries' episodes there are going to be 22 episodes. that means TWO MORE EPISODES after this week.

rejoice! rejoice!

the inventor of all things everywhere

so. jonathan gilbert. inventor of the internet. what is your deal? and what could possibly be so great about your second pocket-watch-sized invention? (did he make anything bigger than a pocket watch? what is he, a gnome)?

so far here are my theories on what the invention does:

    1. created the gilbert rings (would explain where the rings came from)
    2. turns vampires back into humans (that'd be weird)
    3. allows one to travel through time (because the plot of this show doesn't have enough twists. obviously.)
    4. detects witches (jonathan gilbert surely knew that was a problem as well)
    5. detects werewolves (you never know)
    6. allows humans to compel the same way vampires do (jonathan gilbert, you are so entrepreneurial!)
    7. makes those candy hearts with little sayings on them (delicious)
    8. makes humans immortal (vampires without the negative side effects)
    9. kills vampires in some new and easier way than sunlight and stabbing with a stake (frankly, that would be convenient)
    10. nothing (as in the invention doesn't actually do anything. pearl was a lousy thief)

i guess most of my hypotheses have to do with what i think jonathan gilbert might have wanted. clearly he loved pearl, even though he foolishly turned her in! so i'm trying to think what he might have wanted as a consequence of that. then again, he apparently made this invention before he knew that she was a vampire (since pearl mistook it for the compass). in which case i'm voting for candy hearts.

i'm also presuming that dear ole uncle john learned about this invention from the gilbert journals. (or his other, mysterious source of knowledge, which surely stems from his natural-born douchebag powers. the douchebag powers are strong in this one).

however, he also said that he and isobel share a mutual interest (episode 20, "miss mystic falls"), and one can only infer that interest is the invention since uncle john has less than zero interest in elena. and elena is isobel's child. which reminds me:

WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ANYTHING ON THIS SHOW.

it really is shocking.

allow me to ring the 'calm the eff down' bell

people of the interwebs: please take a few deep breaths into this brown paper bag and have a seat. the idea that stefan is going to actually die in this week's episode is about as likely as me waking up tomorrow to discover my mattress has magically turned into piles and piles of hundred dollar bills. (talkin' straight up benjamins, my friends).

that said, i still feel your pain.

stefan is all locked up. he feels terrible about how out of control he's been. he apparently takes his ring off and tells elena he wants to die and then he vanishes... look, i see where you're going with this. i'm not accusing you of drawing crazy conclusions. (just illogical ones).

no television show kills its money-maker main character, especially not in the second-to-last episode of the season. that's something you imply in a season finale cliffhanger and then soundly recant in the first episode of the next season, all 'ha-ha, tricked you, teevee viewers!'

well let me tell you something, 'vampire diaries' producers: I AM NOT THAT GULLIBLE!





(ohgod pleez don't let me jinx this).

a riddle wrapped in a mystery

does uncle john know so much because he's read all of jonathan gilbert's journals? or at least most of them? surely it can't be as simple as that.