the cw: still in the stone age

that’s right, internet. the cw will still not let me watch stefan and damon online until sunday. for the love of all that is holy…seriously? and to make matters worse, warner brothers has decided that they have nothing else better to do than troll around youtube deleting videos from the season premiere as fast as tvd (that’s “the vampire diaries” for those of you not following) fans can post them. i get it. your copyright. or whatever. but then give me an alternative for chrissake! i promise you, cw. i would pay $5 every week to watch an episode online if you posted it immediately after airing. $5! why do you hate my money?!

also, do not be fooled by their attempt at a web re-design. it is still impossible to navigate the site. and don't even get me started on how they never posted early episodes from the first season online for me to watch and blog over the summer. haters!

the only good thing to come out of all this is that now i have nothing to do, so i can opine about the upcoming season. obviously i watched their teaser for ‘the year of the kat.’ you kind of have to admire anyone with the balls to be like, “you know what? let's just let Katherine hang around and see what happens. it'll be fine.” riiiiiiiight. i'm sure it’s gonna be soooooo fine. fine like uncle john getting stabbed in the kitchen fine? (i maintain that he had it coming, i'm just pointing out that getting stabbed in the stomach does not equal fine). maybe fine like damon thinking he made out with elena fine? i think i know what to get the producers for christmas: a dictionary.

also, come on. ‘the return’? way to steal the title of my blog post. i mean, i get it. i do. i see what you did there, you clever little writers, you. but wouldn’t ‘blood and death’ have been more straightforward? (oh wait, i forgot, that was the name of the season finale. my bad). how about ‘sex, blood and death’ then? maybe ‘everything is going to be terrible from now on’? the only way this work is if the producers are actually hipsters and this season’s theme is irony and so they’re going to have the season 2 finale named ‘the end.’ i could be into that. i guess. but only in a skinny-jeans-wearing, fake-appreciation-for-andy-warhol kind of way.

have i lost you yet, internet? i blame it on the processed cheese.

back on topic!

thoughts on this season. we’re looking at your classic attempt to appease tvd fans by letting us have damon making out with elena without it actually being elena. the best of both worlds. -- at least, if you’re nina dobrev.

katherine is also going to make things exciting. that's another given. what's not given is how exactly we’re going to explain any of this. oh, some girl showed up who looks so much like elena that you cannot actually distinguish between the two of them? i'm sure it’s “fine.” wait, everyone is dying? you know, this town is pretty dull outside of founder’s day anyway.

…i am being sarcastic.

i am, however, interested in how we’re going to explain this. and also how we’re going to justify the fact that clearly katherine is not going to kill everyone, including, apparently, elena. although, if you were her, after uncle john wouldn’t elena be the first one you would turn on next? just get it over with, right? that whole “ask forgiveness not permission” mentality. but instead, we’re to believe that katherine has a nice little chat, maybe even a cup of tea with elena and allows her to call an ambulance for uncle john, meanwhile, aunt jenna has taken some hardcore prescription medication because HOW IS SHE NOT AWARE OF HOW MUCH IS HAPPENING IN HER OWN HOUSE? and speaking of prescription medication, you have jeremy upstairs on the verge of vampiredom. so that’s fun.

moving on to other things i can’t wait for them to try to explain away: damon still falling into katherine’s clutches? really? after wanting/thinking he made out with elena? after he got all emo on jeremy? we're really supposed to believe that there’s just a snap of the fingers and he’s all 1864 again? i was not born yesterday.


that's all i have in me for now. plenty more to come, of course. like where’s alaric, people? and is tyler ever going to turn into a werewolf or is that sub-plot just a giant cock-tease? will matt and caroline’s relationship continue to annoy everyone? how much more of a whore can bonnie be? and the most important question of all: what new uses can we find for the civil war costumes?

but for now i think i'm going to watch “the other boleyn girl.” why? because it’s here. and paul wesley is not. cue sad music…