please allow me to dramatically reenact episode 22, "founder's day" SEASON FINALE

oh. god. gonna. die.

so everyone in the world was able to watch this episode before me and kept sending me texts like, "OMG YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS" and "IT'S HITTIN THE FAN NOW" and "OH GOD NOOOOOOO." which. you know. is not very nice. because i had to keep texting back, "dude, i am at work." and you can't watch "vampire diaries" at work. duh.

now. let's get down to business.

the season finale starts a bit nostalgically with elena and stefan getting dressed up in their old-timey clothes as part of the founder's day (name of the episode!) celebration. it's nice foreshadowing, actually, for the SURPRISE TWIST AT THE END. oh we will get there, internet, don't you worry. we will get there.

arriving at the high school / fairground / town square / mystic-falls-really-only-has-two-locations-and-the-other-is-the-grille, mrs. lockwood is doing her typical thing and cheerfully bossing people around. seriously, what is it about that woman's crazy sense of authority that i find so endearing? "marching band over there!" "history class, you suck!" "i told you to put the chairs on the stage, minions!" love it.

so stefan's hanging out, waiting for elena, when of course, damon swaggers unto the screen all, "i own this show." you do, damon. we know this. he snags some early one-liners like:

      "look at you. lookin' all retro." (damon)

      "it's founder's day. i'm here to eat cotton candy and steal your girl" (damon) (i know i already quoted it, but it deserves to be quoted again).

      "you have no sense of humor, stefan." (damon) "actually i just have no sense of damon humor." (stefan)

of course, damon can't help himself from digging into stefan's newfound nervousness about the very real (and apparent) possibility that elena will fall in love with damon. damon makes a très faux sympathetique remark about how elena is not katherine when BAM. elena appears looking all katherine-like in a major way, period-costumed out to a t. great timing, right? you writers are so clever! again. with the foreshadowing. (am I giving it away yet)?

meanwhile, in the producers' ongoing attempt to use up the civil war costuming they bought in bulk, jeremy gets dressed in confederate garb when anna appears. blah-blah-your-uncle-killed-my-mom. yeah. uncle john's a dick, anna. tell us something we don't know. jeremy, of course, in his ever-and-unnecessary-confusing-ness, defends uncle john in a lame way. then he proceeds with his one minute wanting to be a vampire, the next not, then he does again, oh wait, just kidding. god. i know he's seventeen or something, but can he please make up his mind one way or another before someone else does it for him? and how did anna get her blood into that tiny vial? do you buy a funnel at the store? like, a dollhouse miniature funnel? seriously, that vial is so small! bottom line: jeremy is now in possession of vampire blood. great. because that's a good idea. NOT.

concluding the emo scene in jeremy's bedroom where absolutely nothing is decided definitively, anna vanishes in her typically anna fashion, and it's kinda poignant. sometimes i feel like the show treats their relationship with so much more seriousness than it deserves. but i digress.

back on the quad / launch pad / open-prairie-behind-the-high-school-gymnasium, stefan predictably tells elena the latest theory that john is her father, which we teevee viewers, fortunately, are already aware of. (gross). elena reacts predictably by whining about how hard her life is. wah, i have a super-hot boyfriend whose super-hot brother is also in love with me, but my brother doesn't like me and so i must complain about it to anyone who will listen. ugh. what. ever.

in further foreshadowing, stefan comforts elena and tells her not to worry, "he's your brother. he'll forgive you." (stefan)

crazy random switch to matt and caroline! gah, do they still exist? yes. are they still dating? yes. annoying, right? so while caroline's all "hide your cast. it's not era appropriate" (caroline) to matt, we also come to find out that tyler and matt did not have the presumed making-up time on their ride to the hospital in the last episode. in fact, maybe caroline is not even trying so hard to force them to make up since she basically bites tyler's head off for no reason. dude looks understandably confused and annoyed. i know, tyler. i know. the town's gone crazy.

and just to make sure we understand that jeremy is SO TOTALLY NOT FORGIVING ELENA, they pound it home one more time with him telling elena to leave him alone as we all get ready for happy-go-crazy-parade time. as far as i can tell, there are approximately thirteen people who live in mystic falls, and the parade scenes do nothing to dissuade me of this. mrs. lockwood plays a rockin' emcee though (i didn't know parades had emcees?) and makes it sound like, "ohmygosh! look at all these floats that people made of their own free will! isn't it marvelous?" yeah. super marvelous.

i can't tell from the miss mystic falls float scene if amber is up there or not. poor amber. she's probably going to need a lot of therapy, but fortunately I don't think we'll ever actually see her again on the show. (maybe as an extra, I guess). (and yes, I watched that freaking float scene nineteen times trying to determine if she was on it, but results are inconclusive).

and speaking of floats, does anyone else remember the fact that matt and tyler used to be (still are?) on the football team? and actually so was (is?) stefan? whatever happened with that? who's the coach since damon killed mr. tanner? obviously it doesn't come automatically with the history teacher gig although it would be hilarious if it did. and come to think of it, what year are they supposed to be in high school? is next season going to feature some kind of preparing-for-graduation shenanigans?

so while the parade is happening, the tomb vampires, somewhere on the outskirts of town, are plotting their revenge with an 8x11" piece of white paper and a black sharpie. (seriously, who made that map? it's kind of awesome). am i the only one who thinks all these guys look exactly the same? anna breaks into the meeting, but it is so obvious that she is going to play these fools. we weren't born yesterday, producers. (we also saw the previews for this episode and anna clearly spills the beans).

meanwhile, damon is growing both more flirtatious and more emo by the second. i am pretty much waiting for him to start writing sad songs on his sneakers. i mean, i get it. he's gradually letting his humanity back in. i get it. i really do. but does his humanity have to be as emo as every other goddamn character on this show? how are he and elena ever going to be "friends" when he so clearly wants to make out with her face?

but don't worry. we are saved from their awkward exchange by jeremy being a dick again! can someone please remind him that his sister is adopted and dating a vampire and her life - while basically awesome - is still a little complicated, and she is PRACTICALLY GROVELING? do you think he'd forgive her more readily if she had a little more self-respect in her apologies? jesus. instead of anything like that though, damon follows jeremy when he storms off and mocks him, all:

      "i have so many emotions. but i don't have any way to express them. being a teenager's so hard." (damon) "dick." (jeremy)

and then suddenly jeremy grows an enormous pair of balls or forgets that he's talking to damon and actually threatens to, what? scream? oh, "cause a scene." right. if you ask me, damon is totally justified in threatening to rip his head off and drink his blood. which damon does not actually say, but that was the basic point he was making when stefan appears to save the day! yay! although he offers possibly the weirdest apology of all time. and then, weirdness on top of weirdness, jeremy pseudo accepts it? this show is so bizarre.

recommence with the awesome damon lines as damon and stefan once again get into it over elena, who, as previously mentioned, is not all that great, but no one seems to notice that.

      "good cop, bad cop. i like it." (damon)

      "oh, there's only one do-gooder hero role available. i'm sorry. my bad." (damon)

now we get to the juicy part of the episode. uncle john has found out that the tomb vampires, in the most melodramatic plan a group of vampires could ever think of, are going to attack mystic falls during the founder's day fireworks display. DUN-DUN-DUN. their plan is to kill the descendants of the founding families, but john is going to use his awesome jonathan gilbert invention to kill them all with a long speech about how he's finishing what their ancestors started.

only one problem, uncle john: sheriff forbes realizes this is a TERRIBLE idea! and she is going to kick some douchebag butt between you and mayor lockwood! ...or...you know...uncle john is going to knock her out and handcuff her in her own office. sad face.

several hours / one commercial break later, damon is still hanging around awkwardly since he doesn't actually know anyone in mystic falls except the council (which is, even at this moment, getting ready to kill him) and elena and alaric. luckily, anna shows up to tell him that everyone is about to die! is anna a terrible informer? or the most terrible informer of all time? seriously, she waited until right now to tell anyone what's going down? what are we supposed to do NOW?

flash to scene of tomb vampires about to blend into the crowd wearing founder's day t-shirts and scowls full of vengeance. and on a totally irrelevant side note, who is THAT GUY and how did he become leader of the tomb pack?

so now that damon knows what's going down, who does he turn to in his hour of need but his bff ric. that's right. history teacher by day, vampire hunter by night, teenage heartthrob and all-around-good-guy, ric is the first human to learn that tonight is going to be a night to remember for more reasons than the fireworks and cotton candy. who's the second you ask? duh. elena. damon rushes over to her and stefan, intensely holds her hand for way too many seconds, and then tells them to get out of there because EVERYONE IS ABOUT TO DIE.

of course, being elena and stefan, they totally do the OPPOSITE of getting out of there under the lame excuse of needing to find jeremy, who is quite frankly a pretty ungrateful brat in this episode and deserves to be vampire dessert. ha - as if anna would ever let that happen.

back at the mystic grille, caroline is back to trying to make matt and tyler be friends again, but now they're both too busy being all bro about it. so when mayor lockwood walks in to publicly chastise his son, as is his way, it's a little weird that caroline jumps in all, "mayor, is everything okay?" (caroline).

no, caroline. everything is not okay. and strangely, this is the first time i haven't totally hated mayor lockwood since he ends up getting all of them out of there, even giving them his car keys! hopefully that will keep them safe from the impending doom, except OH NO NOT REALLY DO YOU EVEN KNOW THIS SHOW?

so, with the kids safely (or not so safely) on their way home, the mayor gets up to give his historic-small-town-founder-worship speech that isn't awkward at all. fireworks commence to completely inearnest oohs and aahs and the mayor and mrs. lockwood run away but try to act casual about it in one of the most inadvertently hilarious parts of the episode.

of course, at that same moment, damon goes to confront uncle john on his incredible stupidity, only the device was not un-spelled by bonnie, as we teevee viewers all know, so damon is victim numero uno, falling and writhing miserably on the floor of grayson gilbert's old doctor's office. I HATE YOU SO MUCH UNCLE JOHN. YOU ARE MADE OF MORE EVIL THAN ANY VAMPIRE WE'VE MET SO FAR EXCEPT MAYBE FREDERIC BECAUSE HE TORTURED STEFAN.

whew. glad that's out of my system. where was i? oh yeah. EVERYONE IS DYING. including tyler because apparently werewolves can hear the device, too! for a second it looks like he might actually turn into a werewolf, right then, in the car with matt and caroline, but instead he just crashes it into a fence. great. awesome. more death. just what we need.

back at the fireworks, stefan goes down! and the town's deputies, who are injecting people with vervain left and right, move in to get him when...SAVED BY ALARIC!

but mayor lockwood? not so lucky. now, it's not that i never considered that the mayor was a werewolf too, but why didn't he ever tell his son about their werewolf-ness? or his wife?

now, remember that anna was off saving jeremy? well, about ten hours after she corners him in the bathroom, the deputies bust in and take her away, which i find a little random.

so, in typical secret council uncreativeness, they put all the knocked out vampires in the basement of grayson's building and are going to burn it down. like i said, so super original. i can't imagine where they thought of it. and while john is surveying his handiwork, anna grabs his ankle pleadingly. i'm guessing we're supposed to imply that she was the one informing him on the tomb vamps plans? which is why it's so nice of him to DRIVE A STAKE INTO HER HEART. it seems kind of double-harsh since she's just going to be set on fire anyway, but john is immune to logic. and now jeremy is once again going to be tragically heartbroken.

the good news is that damon appears not to be doused in gasoline when uncle john throws the match down the stairs like the cold-hearted demon he is. however, there are several guys in the background who are doused in gasoline. sucks to be them.

back to stefan and elena, the device has wound down (how random that it only works for five minutes. whose idea was that) and we come to the slow realization of bonnie's whoreness. we also come to the realization that damon is missing! and hasn't been seen since all of this started happening! oh, you can practically see the gears turning slowly in their heads. alaric is strangely unconcerned about the fact that his bff damon is probably dead, and instead opts to find jeremy and take him home at elena's request. oh, alaric.

now, lest you think we've forgotten about poor liz, sheriff forbes, worry not. mrs. lockwood rescues her and is all, "your deputies took my husband and he's so totally not a vampire, wtf?" good question, mrs. lockwood. unfortunately, your husband is about to die in a fire.

flash back to fire! damon is slowly regaining his strength and sees the mayor, who is obviously not all lethargic from the vervain. seeing damon, they exchange surprise that the other is there and damon, in his ever-charming way, announces, "i'm a vampire. what's your excuse?" (damon) weirdly, this revelation causes mayor lockwood to hop into the lap of a tomb vampire who then breaks his neck. okay then.

then, back at the scene of the car accident (remember? caroline, matt and tyler? the car? yeah. there's a whole lot going on in the episode and for no good reason). so, back at the car we get to see what werewolf eyes look like and they look AWESOME! tyler turns out to be okay, but then caroline faints! (what a drama queen). and everyone becomes concerned about that. hopefully caroline is not also some mythological creature. if she is though, i'm guessing...unicorn?

THEN, back to the burning building! stefan and elena run up to uncle john. uncle john makes another melodramatic speech about how he's totally doing the right thing, so stop acting like he's a terrible person. so what does elena do? she tricks him into admitting that he's her father! but don't worry, he is still a huge bag of douche. and in case you thought this couldn't get any worse, bonnie oh-so-randomly appears at the same moment to tell stefan that he'll never make it if he goes into the building. but HELLO. it's STEFAN. of course he's going to go in there, but not before he cries, "he's my brother, bonnie!" (stefan). SO. EMO.

rockin' round the corner, here comes elena, only to be stopped, once again, but this time by bonnie. and what does our little whore witch do? apologies! WRONG TIME TO APOLOGIZE, BONNIE. but then, i guess she does use a little magic to tame the enormous fire enough for stefan to run down and save damon.

so here we are, and hard as it is to believe, there are still, like, FIFTEEN MINUTES left on the show. what could possibly happen next? stefan's alive. damon's alive. jeremy's alive, bonnie, matt, caroline, tyler, jenna, alaric, pretty much almost every major character. this is pretty anti-climactic after all, isn't it?

WRONG.

i mean. not totally wrong. there's plenty of anti-climactic stuff like stefan admitting to loving his brother, elena reassuring stefan that she's not going to fall in love with damon, blah-blah-blah. dude, what is WITH stefan's sudden concern with this? is there, perhaps, some bit of katherine history that we don't know about yet? something even more messed up than what we already know, which is PLENTY messed up as it is? well, stay tuned for next season, i guess.

damon also appears in jeremy's room and tells him all about how anna is now dead, which jeremy, thankfully, figured. what damon doesn't tell him is that uncle john's the one who staked her. not sure why he left out that detail. then, damon and jeremy proceed to have a heart-to-heart and i come to the horrifying realization that DAMON IS TURNING INTO STEFAN. (gross). there's only so much room for brooding on this show. i don't know how much more furrowed brow i can handle.

the damon-jeremy exchange is best summed up by these two quotes -- both real downers:

      "i know you think you took it away, but it's still there. even if i can't remember why, i still feel empty. alone. making me forget won't fix it. it won't fix what's really wrong." (jeremy)

      "life sucks either way, jeremy. at least if you're a vampire you don't have to feel bad about it if you don't want to." (damon)

so apparently damon, too, would like to feel every episode of 'how i met your mother.'

back at the hospital (NO THE EPISODE IS NOT OVER YET), matt and tyler bro-make-up. heart. but caroline is going to die. JUST KIDDING. (maybe). sheriff forbes also tells tyler that his werewolf dad is dead, but apparently neither of them knew / know that they're werewolves, which is kind of ridiculous. i would imagine that's something you notice. you know. becoming a wolf. but whatever.

but caroline. yeah. i guess we'll find out about that next season too.

we'll also find out if jeremy becomes a vampire! that's right! he gulps down that vial of anna's blood and then swallows not-nearly-enough acetaminophen to kill himself, one pill at a time. what an amateur. he totally did not think this through, which is no doubt why he lies down on his bed at the end of the episode. my guess is someone is going to find him and they are going to pump his stomach and boo-hoo, no vampiredom for jeremy.

then bonnie threatens stefan.

i know what you're thinking. "WHAT? WHY?" i don't know, internet. she just does. she claims elena is her best friend, totally ignoring the fact that she's been a whore since she returned from her five episode hiatus, and then tells stefan that she will kill him to kill damon if that's what it takes. so, in conclusion, totally not forgiven for being a whore, even if she did do one good thing in this episode.

now, cue the romantic music as damon walks out the front door of elena's house while elena is coming up the front steps. why is damon coming out the front door? because it's dramatic! duh! and lest you think he is all emo-ed out, he totally is not. i was pretty much waiting for him to turn on the waterworks while talking to elena about how he's not good, he's never been good, boo-hoo, but she's changed him...? in his most heartfelt damonness, he tells elena, "somewhere along the way you decided that i was worth saving." (damon) yes. but can he be saved? APPARENTLY NOT SINCE HE MAKES OUT WITH HIS BROTHER'S GIRLFRIEND. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? and to make matters worse, bonnie's whoreness must have rubbed off on elena because she SO. TOTALLY. KISSES. HIM. BACK.

OR DOES SHE?

well, what does happen is jenna opens up the door and puts an end to all this unsavory behavior. which, side note, it's even more weird that damon used the front door if jenna was home. is that woman deaf? maybe, but she is also so indignant about catching elena kissing damon, and this makes me like her even more than i already do. that's right, aunt jenna! you tell elena she's a whore!

but. alas. elena escapes way too easily, only to be cornered by uncle john in the kitchen. or is it the other way around and she corners him? UM. THE LATTER. because guess what? in the midst of attempted father-daughter bonding and the putting away of knives, we find out that it's not elena after all, IT'S KATHERINE! AND THEN SHE STABS UNCLE JOHN.

YESSSSSSSSS.

but seriously? how does this work? jenna's at home. jeremy's upstairs, surely still clinging to life. you mean to tell me neither of them heard uncle john scream? and what about when the real elena comes home and calls up to jeremy? no one notices that either?

and then that's it. we hear a noise in the kitchen and the episode ends with elena walking back to investigate in her oh-so-typical naiveness. but do you really think the producers are going to let us see elena and katherine interact?

guess we'll find out in four months.

i hate my life.