bad commentary rising on episode 03

you know how this episode begins, my friends? it's as if the producers are already tired of my complaints from the first two episodes because the first person to walk on screen is none other than: alaric! alaric, alaric, alaric! (yay chanting)!

      “can i get you something to drink? coffee? bourbon? bourbon and coffee?” (damon)

turns out the mystery person sitting on the sofa in the salvatore house during the preview is alaric after all. and they are so totally asking him questions about the lockwoods. (cue glimpse of tyler about to skulk after his uncle in a very not covert way. i believe we’ve mentioned several times so far this season that he plays multiple varsity sports and is therefore not that easy to conceal… so one hopes the next fifteen minutes goes well for him). alaric, understandably, is like, “kids…i don’t know anything about this, and frankly, i'm a little tired of all of you and your teen vampire angst.” (i am paraphrasing, of course).

      “you wouldn’t. but your dead, not dead, vampire wife might.” (damon)

of course, the logical answer, which damon has already scoffed at repeatedly, is that they are werewolves. which, let’s face it, we teevee viewers already know. this is not a subtle show.

      “no way. impossible. way too lon chaney. i’ve been on this planet a hundred and sixty some-odd years and never come across one. if werewolves exist, where the hell are they?” (damon)

a fair question, damon. at this moment, it appears that they are checking out the super secret werewolf cave. well isn’t that convenient! it's good to know that tyler won’t have to follow his uncle on any more annoying runs.

      “if this wolfman thing is true, i’ve seen enough movies to know it’s not good.” (damon)

while that is, indeed, true, how can it possibly be THAT BAD if all this time no one in mystic falls has known that werewolves exist? it’s not like the council’s mission is to kill vampires AND werewolves. no. just vampires. so my guess is that werewolves have been living there peaceably for a long time. why does the shit have to go and get stirred up now? (besides to propel the plot)?

this does not occur to the scooby doo gang though. and if this were the scooby doo gang, let me just point out that alaric would be shaggy because holy cow his hair has gotten huge! so the gang is going to go check out isobel’s old office and dig through her research to see what they can learn, in typical animated mystery-solving cartoon style. only stefan is not going to go. whaaaaa? he has to babysit caroline. sad face. sad face like a matt face. actually…matt face is the new sad face.



anyway, just ole damon, alaric and elena off together on a road trip. surely nothing can go wrong. but before they go, jenna and alaric have to have a weird and unnecessary moment in which the teevee viewer is not sure whether to look away and let them have some privacy, like maybe any second they are just going to start making out. not that i would be opposed to that.

speaking of being uncomfortable…elena makes out with stefan in front of damon just to dig it in a little deeper that he is so totally not forgiven for killing her brother. (fair).

      “you know, this whole pretending to hate me thing is getting a little silly.” (damon)
      “i don’t think she’s pretending. you did kill her brother.” (alaric)
      “there is a huge asterisk next to that statement. he came back to life.” (damon)

while the gang (or most of them) drive off, at the lockwoods, we learn that tyler is going to invite a bunch of people to the old swim hole. but of course! ye olde swim hole, located conveniently near the ruins of ye olde lockwood estate where the super secret werewolf cave is. man, the forests of mystic falls are just littered with the ruins of old estates and supernatural shit, aren’t they? again, what could possibly go wrong with this plan?

and in case we begin to think that stefan has somehow gotten off easy today, he has his hands full with the bonnie and caroline -- first convincing bonnie to make caroline a day walking ring, and then getting caroline to not be herself as much as possible. bonnie, of course, insists on taking her whoredom to a whole new level, basically refusing to help caroline because she’s a vampire and bonnie’s all anti-vampire these days. but seriously? it’s CAROLINE. you know: bonnie’s bestie. the one she got even more bestie with when she was mad at elena for dating a vampire. yeah, that one. needless to say that stefan eventually convinces her to stop being such a whore and just use a little magic already, but jesus, that should not have been so difficult. and speaking of difficult…oh, caroline…

      “so i don’t get to choose the ring i have to wear the rest of my life?” (caroline)
      “hey, if you don’t want it…” (bonnie)
      “no, no, she wants it.” (stefan)

over in north carolina, alaric, damon and elena make it to isobel’s research office, which is pretty much what i think indiana jones’ office looks like: full of old treasures, shrunken heads, stuff like that. only wouldn’t you know it, the slutty research assistant (vanessa) is some kind of, i don’t know, guardian or something, and comes in with a crossbow to try to kill everyone. and if damon hadn’t stepped in front of elena to take a stake to the back for her, let’s just say we’d be down one more human in the cast right now and stefan would be having a matt face.

alas though, vanessa is not that cool after all, she’s just confused and trigger happy and thought that katherine pierce and damon were come back from the dead or…something. i don’t know. she’s annoying and it doesn’t really matter. elena pulls the stake out of damon and needless to say he is pretty pissed about the whole thing.

      “that bitch is dead.” (damon)

but elena convinces damon rather easily not to kill the poor slut since she might be useful in helping them find what it is they’re looking for.

      “and this is damon salvatore, who you just shot.” (elena)
      “i’d be EXTRA nice to me right now.” (damon)

off on their own little adventure, stefan tries to teach caroline how to hunt wildlife instead of humans. one can only imagine how well that goes. and whatever you imagine is probably pretty close to what actually happens.

      “so what do i do when i see the rabbit?” (caroline)

      “isn’t killing cute, defenseless animals the first step in becoming a serial killer?” (caroline)
      “well, you sort of skipped serial killer and went straight to vampire.” (stefan)

      “and now YOU want me to eat bunnies, and i’m kinda freaking out, OKAY?!” (caroline)

that’s right. caroline. freaking out. not at all unexpected. you have to cut stefan some slack for laughing about it, and then when caroline complains that now he’s just using her for amusement, he tries to impart some more yoda-vampire wisdom on her, explaining that human characteristics not only stay with them as vampires, but are often magnified. so he, for example, was sensitive to other people’s feelings and easily felt guilty when he believed himself to be part of their pain or discomfort. this is partly why he has forsaken so much of the typical vampire lifestyle.

      “so you’re saying that now i’m basically an insecure, neurotic control freak…on crack.” (caroline)
      “well…i wouldn’t say it…like that…” (Stefan)

meanwhile, the search for answers at duke continues, and elena does her elena thing and adds to her collection of whore friends by being nice to the research assistant and giving her some vervain, no doubt concerned that damon is not going to remain peaceable for long.

      “does vervain really work?” (vanessa to elena)
      “nope. not at all.” (damon, across the room)
      “can he hear us?” (vanessa)
      “noooo…that would be creepy…” (damon in a stage whisper)

and lest you forgot about the swim hole! let's go check out what’s going on there. oh, stefan and caroline have showed up. (that’s not at all trouble waiting to happen). oh, and uncle mason, too! two vampires is a crowd, but add a werewolf and you’ve got a party!

      “why are you looking at him with your serious vampire look?” (caroline)
      “my what? my serious vampire look?” (stefan)
      “mmhm. i mean, it’s different from your worried vampire look. neither of which stray far from your ‘hey, it’s tuesday’ look.” (caroline)

so. the swim hole. uncle mason is all “make sure everyone’s gone by dark.” not suspicious at all. caroline acts all jealous of some high school whore flirting with matt. standard. caroline compels said whore to bugger off, which, you know, is probably not a very good idea. she's going to get very tired very quickly if she plans to do that to EVERY whore that comes along. matt with his matt face. stefan with his stefan face. end scene at the swim hole.

back at the university, we basically get told a whole bunch of stuff we already know. vampires cursed by the sun. werewolves cursed by the moon. they hate each other. mortal enemies. vampires killed off lots of werewolves, but there are still some left. nothing new here at all, but a nice refresher for those having difficulty following along, i guess.

what we don’t find out about is how tyler fits into anything. uncle mason seems rather unconcerned that his nephew is going to turn into a werewolf and go on a rampage anytime soon. so is it an aging thing? (on the first night of the full moon after your twentieth year…imagine that narrated in a deep voice). or is it more a one-werewolf-in-the-family-at-a-time thing?

regardless, elena has the foresight to call stefan and let him know what they’ve learned, even if it IS negligible, the most important part being that apparently a werewolf bite is fatal to vampires. which i'm sure just warms stefan’s soul because as if he didn’t have enough to worry about regarding caroline, now he has to make sure she doesn’t get killed. and i don’t know if anyone else at ye olde swim hole is paying attention, but stefan sure is acting weird around caroline. my guess is relationship hijinks are about to ensue…

fast forward five or six or nine hours later and it’s all dark and full moony and uncle mason is cutting it pretty close getting to the super secret werewolf cave. it sure does require a whole lot of gear to become a werewolf too. and what the heck does he put in his nalgene? tranquilizer? or dietary supplements? steroids? and whatever it is, is it for humans or dogs? I’M JUST CURIOUS.

and as if this situation wasn’t intense enough, tyler, in his infinite bro wisdom, decides that the super secret werewolf cave would be the bestest place ever to hook up with the whore who was flirting with matt earlier. oh, i'm sorry. did i say bestest? i meant worstest. so now uncle mason is running through the woods, draped in chains and wires like some cracked out jacob marley from a christmas carol. this is obviously not going to end well.



and lo! it doesn’t! because uncle mason is nowhere near securely restrained when he starts morphing and holy goodness does turning into a werewolf look super painful. maybe it was painkillers in the nalgene…?

this is where the producers try to distract us for a second with yet another sesame street lesson between elena and damon, which, let’s face it, is getting a little old. meanwhile, amy (the whore tyler is making out with) comes to her sense and is like, “i totally don’t want to be doing this, i don’t even like you!” tyler responds with a very understated “wow” and then we return to the business at hand, a.k.a. crazy werewolf on the loose. omfgwtfbbq!!!

so stefan (jesus christ, this kid, i tell ya) decides to head straight for the werewolf noises. then the camera angle gets all horror movie on him and all i can wonder is why uncle mason didn’t lock himself into something sturdier…? than,you know, his old jeep, which now has a busted back window…?

you would also think that if vampires had hunted werewolves almost to extinction that they would have some sort of instinct that would let them know when one was near, as well as how to kill or elude one. clearly werewolves have some innate sense of who is and is not a vampire if vampires are their prey of choice, right? (although…presumably they kill people too?) anyway, you would think this, but you would be wrong. at least on this show.


back at duke, the gang is packin’ it in. (in this analogy, does this make stefan velma?) vanessa el whore tries to make a pass at alaric and he’s all “thanks but no thanks,” passing it off as not wanting her to get involved in all the craziness. which. you know. fair point. as elena goes to get in the monster suv that apparently belongs to alaric, damon continues to needle her about maybe knowing something, and then gives her a book with the name “petrova” on it. why? well isn’t it obvious, teevee viewer?! turns out katherine’s real name was katerina petrova because why not? there’s not enough crazytown going on anyway. let's just go ahead and throw on another layer of mystery for kicks.

      “men snoop too, you know.” (damon)

      “let me know what you find. I’m very curious myself.” (damon)

elena thanks damon for the book, but we are left in ambiguity as to whether or not this means that she’s going to forgive him. and we’re not left with much time to wonder because back in the woods, matt and caroline are making out when matt goes and gashes open all his major arteries on a tree branch. nothing could make more sense at this point in the episode. and of course caroline has to act all WEIRD and VAMPIREY as matt’s all, “wait, what are you doing?”

AS IF HE DIDN'T KNOW.

and then the shit hits the fan. or the werewolf hits the vampire. whatever. but don’t worry, tyler shouts “no!” and uncle mason manages to scamper away while everyone else hangs around confused. man, i can’t wait to see how we explain all this away

oh, and another piece of werewolf information confirmed: werewolves don’t wear pants, guys.



so now tyler knows his uncle’s a werewolf. although how did uncle mason get so dirty? i understand a little dirty, running around in the forest, but he’s filthy -- covered head to toe. and do you think this is how all the lockwoods found out they were werewolves? or did the rest of them get to find out over, like, a glass of scotch in the library? because i'm thinking the latter…

moving right along, i'm going to cut to the chase which is that caroline breaks up with matt for his own good. I KNOW. they just said i-love-you, but the producers have no thoughts as to our feelings in the matter. the only thing worse than matt and caroline’s relationship is going to be their break-up, which will no doubt be annoying times a gagillion. [insert matt face].

then, elena is really mean to damon and gets him to admit that he did not see jeremy wearing the ring before he broke his neck and killed him. elena proceeds to tell him that they will never be friends again, and damon points out that she tricked him into admitting about jeremy already knowing that no matter what he said she was not going to forgive him. i did not expect this otherwise ridiculous episode to make me cry, but i kind of did at this part. damon looks just…defeated.

and this is really a very “katherine" move on elena’s part. more in common than meets the eye after all…?

the good news is that ric and jenna are back together. woop! and totally make out all over. yeaaaaaaaaaah.

but before you get too yay, back in caroline’s room, katherine shows up and is like, “were gonna have so much fun!” ugh. no we’re not, whore.

[SIDENOTE: we forgot to clear up how katherine can walk in the daylight if her original day walking jewelry, a.k.a. the amber necklace, was used to seal the tomb with the vampires and then recovered by damon. i guess it’s safe to presume she got another piece of jewelry, but…from who?]