episode 02 -- in which everyone gets to say clever things

not to get all philosophical on you, but do you think caroline is the most annoying vampire ever? or do you think that, at some point, there was one more annoying than her? one that was killed immediately by the other vampires because they were all like, "HOLY HELL THAT VAMP IS WICKED ANNOYING." and this is only going to get worse, right? it's all downhill from here, what, with caroline's natural neuroses, plus vampiredom out-of-controlness...we're screwed.

so the episode opens with caroline being all zany in the hospital and dramatically having her first taste of human blood. (from a blood bag, people, not an actual human. they wait til after the commercial break for that -- this is a classy show). then we're taken to yet another mystic falls (high school) carnival. i'm not even joking. they didn't put any effort into this one. there's no theme whatsoever, just the high school administration once again letting their student body run amok. ever since tanner was killed and alaric vanished, i'm not convinced anyone actually goes to class at all. high school is just a ruse for all the extracurricular activities.

while setting up the carnival, bonnie and elena chat about the usual: damon. and all things related to him, whether knowingly or unknowingly because, oh yeah! they don't know caroline's a vampire yet...

      "have you talked to damon since he killed jeremy?" (bonnie)

      "i'm human. and i have to do human stuff otherwise i'm gonna go crazy." (elena)

      "we have to make caroline proud. or she will kill us. i don't know how she does this all the time." (bonnie)
      "well, because she's not human. obviously." (elena)
      "obviously." (bonnie)

meanwhile, jeremy is having a heart-to-heart with his new favorite salvatore brother, and stefan is totally giving away the goods on how to kill a vampire, from vervain to wood stakes to WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? the good news though is that they are totally spreading around the good lines. no longer dominated by damon, stefan and even jeremy are getting their own zingers, and I find it -- quite frankly -- amazing.

      "i was killed by a vampire and brought back by a magic ring. how do you move forward from that?" (jeremy)

      "right, well, today we have a nice little distraction courtesy of slave-driver elena. hello, elena!" (stefan)

      "yeah, yeah, i set up the goldfish toss, all three hundred goldfish, it's gonna be epic." (jeremy)

speaking of damon, or like damon...whatever...where is our little dark prince? where else? drinking tea with carol lockwood! and probably wanting to killing himself. (too bad he's already undead). now get this...seriously, you are not going to believe this...carol is acting mayor and puts DAMON in charge of the COUNCIL. yes. of alllllll the people on the council, carol has chosen the ONLY VAMPIRE to head up their vampire-killing mission. this is so many shades of bananas, i don't even know where to start. i might even go so far as to say that this is the most ridiculous think that has ever happened on this show. more ridiculous than damon turning vicki into a vampire, more ridiculous than uncle john being elena's father, and yes, more ridiculous than aunt jenna being deaf as a doornail.

while damon is innerly gloating at his apparent victory, he listens to tyler and uncle mason return from a run and proceed to chat in the hallway. again with the more spreading around of great lines:

      "i think grandma lockwood actually passed you. in her walker." (mason)

while eavesdropping on tyler's bro-bonding with his uncle, damon obviously becomes suspicious. i mean, there's no way to make what they're saying seem like a normal conversation. not even in the slightest. uncle mason even asks, "is there a pattern? once a month? only at night?" it's so obvious that he's a werewolf it's not even funny. the only thing that could have possibly made the whole thing LESS subtle would have been if mason had grown fur and fangs right there in the front hall. instead, he and tyler take off their shoes because mud + mrs. lockwood = instant death. and even werewolves are not immune to death by mrs. lockwood.

back in the hospital, caroline is continuing her transition from sweet valley high to twilight. my guess is that in twilight though, it would be like jessica becoming a vampire... ANYWAY. end tangent. begin important questioning: how is caroline going to go out in the daylight now? i mean, i know i was just talking about how their whole "being in high school" thing is a pretty elaborate hoax, but my guess is the sheriff is still going to expect her to get up and get on the school bus or whatever, right? caroline is also concerned about this and basically freaks out on matt after he tells her that she's cute.

      "the carnival is going to happen without you, caroline. i know it's hard for your neurotic, control-freak personality to process, but bonnie and elena have it." (matt)
      "i'm not neurotic." (caroline)
      "yeah. you are. but it's cute. so." (matt)

he does it super cutely, too. poor matt. talk about a kid who just cannot catch a break. for goodness sake, his arm is still in a cast from when isobel went all vampire vengeance on him. and now he's dating a vampire. i can't wait for them to have "that" conversation...

at the salvatore residence, we get a taste of the damon quips from the preview:

      "aren't you worried one day allllll the forest animals are going to band together and fight back? i mean, surely they talk." (damon)

      "i have more important things to do. like explode." (damon)

in addition to damon revealing his new suspicions:

      "i think the lockwoods have a family secret." (damon)

(lots of quoting from this episode, i know, but there were just so many good ones. that and i'm still recovering from a whole summer without this weekly does of cleverness). so while damon and stefan "talk" back and forth, sort of arguing without actually arguing, it becomes obvious that there is going to be absolutely no katherine in this episode, but she's still kind of hanging over everything like the sword of damocles. it's so nerve-wracking. they do decide though that damon = lockwood mystery and stefan = katherine mystery. so at least we have a division of labor going on.



back at the hospital, one can't help but wonder why caroline's teeth come in so late -- fully halfway through the episode, i'm not even joking. her transition also appears to be way more painful than anyone else's that we've seen previously. vicki was so calm compared to this! not to mention caroline is the NOISIEST eater in the world. when she digs into that nurse, i was just waiting for half the hospital staff to come running thinking that a rhinoceros had somehow broken into the building, but apparently they're all deaf and/or imaginary, just like everyone else on this show.

in the lockwood house, mason is poking around, clearly looking for something. strangely, he apparently doesn't know where his brother's secret lair is. and when tyler comes upon him being all snoopy, he tries to play it cool, claiming to be looking for an heirloom of little monetary value. what, like a gilbert invention 2.0? uncle mason also casually mentions that he blew through his trust fund when he was 22? how old is he supposed to be? because he still looks 22.

the lockwood men are of course going to the carnival, where the rest of the thirteen people of mystic falls are already partaking of rides and games and team jacob tees (which they apparently ran out of). and since everyone is there, that means damon, too. and jeremy. so of course they have to interact. on the one hand you're like, "why is damon there? this cannot possibly be entertaining for him." and on the other you're like, "really, jeremy? why are you always egging on the evil vampire brother?

      "jeremy! it's so good to see you alive!" (damon)
      "aren't you a little old for a high school carnival?" (jeremy)
      "i'm 150 years too old." (damon)

because he totally pisses damon off and damon never turns down an opportunity to be pissed off, so he rips off jeremy's ring and very comically throws it back at his forehead, where it bounces off in a cartoonish fashion. end fight scene.

even caroline is on her way to the carnival, but not before apologizing to the nurse for sucking her blood. so typically caroline. but still no update on how she's going to deal with the next sunrise, even if she is back in her own house at the end of the night. i guess we can presume it's a friday or something, so maybe she has a day or two to figure it out, but...i am not confident in this lack-of-plan at all.

one of the main attractions of the carnival is apparently the arm-wrestling booth though, where tyler is reigning champion until his uncle mason totally kicks his butt. then damon, who had previously been all stalkerish and lurky, volunteers stefan to arm wrestle uncle mason. this is hilarious. for so many reasons. stefan obviously loses, not wanting to draw attention to himself (duh), but when damon accuses him of having not tried at all, stefan admits that he did and that mason was strong, but in a human way, not a vampire way. he is clearly not taking damon's new obsession nearly as seriously as damon is.

      "what is up with that family? they're not vampires, what the hell are they?" (damon)
      "oh, maybe they're, uh, ninja turtles." (stefan)
      "you're not funny." (damon)
      "or no, zombies. werewolves?" (stefan)
      "no comedic timing. at all" (damon)

      "since this is reality and there's no such thing as werewolves or...combat turtles..." (damon)
      "but it's ninja turtle..." (stefan)



what i want to know is why damon finds the idea of werewolves existing so impossible. HE'S A VAMPIRE. bonnie's a witch! caroline's a unicorn! there's no end to insanity in mystic falls, why not werewolves too? although, it is obviously a little strange that the lockwoods have been werewolves all this time (since 1864?) and no one has known or apparently even had an inkling of it, including future werewolves like tyler.

so now some poor guy has to fight tyler.

wait, what? yup. the cute carnie who hit on bonnie is compelled by damon to fight tyler, just to see what happens, hopefully that something being that uncle mason steps in and reveals himself to be...something? something other than a werewolf?

      "maybe it's the ambiguously supernatural, mystery uncle." (damon)

after rolling his eyes at stefan's disapproving grunts, damon wanders off and has an "encounter," shall we say, with caroline. why that crazy girl picks a fight with damon, i have no idea. sure, he's a jerk. sure he fed on her and erased her memories, but, come on. caroline's already done that to poor miss nameless nurse! who's she to get all judgmental? also, picking a fight with damon would be low on my list of things to do after becoming a vampire. (trying to turn into a bat would be high on it). and caroline saying "you suck" to damon is the worst. line. ever. BUT. she does deliver katherine's message. so now damon can have no doubt as to how any of this came to be.

      "yeah. i need you to come with me right now, elena." (damon)

remember that whole damon = werewolves and stefan = katherine thing? well, for some reason while damon is off collecting elena, stefan ends up having to be the lurky one to see the little experiment through with the carnie and tyler. the carnie is pretty amazingly strong himself and totally holds his own not just against tyler, but even uncle mason. (yes, this is the knife fight of the episode previews. sadly, no knife). but we do learn that werewolves can jump really high! much like vampires! because uncle mason jumps over the carnie's head. which -- really? is that really the wisest use of werewolf powers? i'm not convinced. and neither is tyler, who would have to be a half-wit to not be suspicious of his uncle's little tricks.

meanwhile, in an empty classroom (where all such discussions take place), damon tells elena and stefan about caroline's new vampiredom. man, i hope we don't tell jeremy because that kid is gonna be pissed that stupid CAROLINE got to become a vampire before him. but anyway. the three of them ask themselves the same question we're all asking ourselves: why caroline? and why on earth did katherine leave her little message and then peace out of town? is she just watching the drama unfold from afar? she's gonna be back, right? but when? -- okay, these are actually all my questions, but the suspense is killing me. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS. she clearly does not just want caroline to be a vampire. that would be like having a magic lamp with three wishes and wasting one on a pretzel dog. pretzel dogs are delicious, yes, but you don't waste a wish on that!

so let's go back to the classroom discussion:

      "caroline of all people will not make it as a vampire. her mother's a vampire hunter! guys, come on. we all know how the story ends, so just flip to the last chapter--" (damon)

      "your silence is deafening, stefan." (damon)

i love that damon reminds everyone that there was school carnival the night stefan staked vicki, although, to be fair, i don't think that was a carnival, i think it was just a halloween bash...? dance...? on second thought, maybe it was a carnival. regardless, this is case and point that at least 40% of these episodes take place at festivities of some kind. who knew mystic falls was such a party town?

back to the subject of their conversation, caroline is acting all weird with matt, who, bless his heart, just looks hurt 90% of this episode. after she almost bites matt, she runs away, only to come upon the carnie with the bloody nose. and again with the sound effects and the messy eating. so. gross. but talk about a rough night for that guy! first having to fight two werewolves and then eaten by a vampire!

a vampire that damon is taking upon himself to kill. yes, with a tent stake.

but before we get into that, we get to have two pity parties, one with stefan and elena -- both of whom are convinced katherine is doing "this" to them. look, i don't give a rat's tail who she's doing it TO, i just want to know WHY! then, uncle mason tries to tell tyler that he took brazilian martial arts and that's how he learned how to jump over six-foot tall men. really? and let me guess, jenna was at the fire department filling out paperwork again, right? tyler and i are so unconvinced we both storm off in a huff. well, actually only tyler. i have to finish blogging this stupid episode.

so back to caroline!

      "what's wrong with me?"

really, caroline? YOU'RE A VAMPIRE. THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU. damon's at least being nice before he kills her. her begging for her life is totally lame though. anyway, of course she's not going to die. stefan and elena appear just in the nick of time. man, i bet elena did not think she was almost going to get staked tonight. would have served her right though.

      "whatever happens...it's on you." (damon)

damon goes to get a shovel to bury the carnie while bonnie shows up and realizes that caroline is a vampire. this is probably not going to help her with her hatred of vampires schtick.

      "don't pout about it. we got a body to bury." (damon)

then bonnie has a freak out when damon returns. dude. can't that girl keep her cool under any circumstance? apparently not. not that elena is very helpful in this situation either. she just sort of hangs around silently while bonnie incorrectly blames damon for everything that's happening, including caroline being a vampire. not only that, she just stands there stupidly as bonnie lights damon on fire with her whore magic. ugh. elena. so useless. and where are the other nine people who live in this town? they don't hear damon screaming in agony and fire? no one is concerned about this?

apparently not.

and how does this all end? elena hugs bonnie.

DON'T HUG BONNIE! SHE'S A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING AND AN EVIL WITCH!

so while that drama is going down, stefan is cleaning up caroline in the bathroom and it is about the sweetest thing i've ever seen. why is he so wonderful? and i love that he's like...going to teach caroline how to be a good vampire, or something. like the karate kid. and he's mr. miyagi. a vampire mr. miyagi. only then he goes and promises caroline that he's going to make sure nothing happens to her. only you shouldn't make promises you might not be able to keep, stefan. NOW WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO HER?!

i'm guessing stefan sends caroline home and then finds elena who is all whorey complainerstein about how nothing in her life is normal. no. it's not. but when you have the hottest boyfriend in the world, sometimes you have to make trade-offs. that's no reason to cry about it, and certainly no reason to NOT kiss said super hot boyfriend.

as the lockwoods are turning in for the night, tyler now hates(?) his uncle. his dad apparently showed him where the secret safe is, not to the mention the combination to it, so i guess he wasn't a total failure as a father...? in this safe we find some papers binder-clipped together and the moonstone uncle mason is looking for.



switch to the salvatore residence and damon badly needing a drink. at this point in the episode, i also badly need a drink.

      "you don't lock your front door." (jeremy)
      "yeah." (damon. goes to take a drink)
      "no -- i wouldn't. i laced it with vervain." (jeremy)
      "now why would you do that?" (damon)
      "so i could stake you. with this." (jeremy throws sharpened table leg on the floor)

so melodramatic.

      "you came here to kill me?" (damon)
      "it's only fair. you killed me first." (jeremy)

seriously, jeremy is so ridiculous. he then proceeds to ask damon's advice on what to do with his life...?

      "i don't do the big brother thing very well. sorry i don't have any milk and cookies to offer you." (damon)
      "dick." (jeremy)

well what did you expect?! it's damon! HE KILLED YOU! and will probably do it again before this season is over if i know damon at all. but for now, damon is able to get a grip and admits that his own father hated vampires too, just like jeremy's father and uncle.

      "only it was 1864. people knew how to whittle." (damon)

bah-dum-CHING!

at the forbes residence, caroline's lying in bed, probably wondering what she's going to do in the morning, you know, when the sun comes up. (i, too, would very much like to know the answer to that question). then matt crawls in through her window.

      "i came to see if today's basket-case period had expired." (matt)

she tries to get him to leave, but he confesses that he's in love with her. oh, matt...bad timing, my friend. but maybe caroline's going to be okay after all because she manages to both kiss and hug him without sinking her fangs into his adorable little neck. you know what this means, right?

we have not dodged the her-and-matt relationship bullet AT. ALL.

so while all of that is very ooey-gooey romantic, the producers have to one up themselves on the ending, wherein stefan wakes elena with a kiss, tells her it's almost "dawn" and asks her to come with him to the deserted carnival grounds.

      "well, i compelled the guard to go on break. so i can kiss my girlfriend on top of the ferris wheel."

oh god. hold up while i go choke on my own vomit. (but not really, that's gross. i hate vomit).

stefan then proceeds to not so much "jump" as "fly" them to the top buggy where they laugh together and kiss and wonder what else is going to happen. because if katherine turning caroline into a vampire is just the beginning, then this season is going to be a shitstorm. no joke.